Tag: love

The Lonely Goose

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Facebook, over the past year, has been taking us down memory lane. A recent trip took me to this status message:

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Romantic as it is, it also reminded me of something – I haven’t been in a relationship in five years. I’ve been in love, of course, but it never grew outside of my heart.

And if you’re as emotional as I am, you probably understand the desire to avoid that grey area in your love life. The one where you’re with someone without being with them. The moment your heart flutters at their name but you can’t call them yours. The physical and the emotional Friend with Benefits.

I can’t do that. I’m too serious. Too emotional. Too insecure. I need that security blanket we call a relationship. It may not last forever. I may know that the term ‘girlfriend’ will never turn into ‘fiancé’ or ‘wife’ even. But I still need that promise. That commitment. Even if it’s just for a little while.

And so exists those evenings. The ones we all have. The ones we can’t avoid. The ones we, as single people in our twenties, endure without a choice.

Yes, I’m talking about all you single people struggling to make ends meet with that all-too-insufficient money you’re making while working four times harder than the guy who makes four times the money you make and would just love to come home to someone for that oh-so-amazing hug but you can’t because you don’t have the time for a relationship and when you do, there isn’t someone who wants to date you!

I know how that feels! I know those long evenings where you’re struggling to not make that desperate call to that person you know is the wrong one. And it’s not because you’re horny, no. It’s because you just want to cuddle up on a comfortable couch and watch that crappy series finale of How I Met Your Mother and use that as an excuse to make out like teenagers who’re too afraid to get to second base while in the real world, they’re getting everywhere we aren’t.

It’s torture, isn’t it?! Your arms craving to hold someone. Your lips tingling to be kissed in that comforting, not-ending-in-sex way. Only, you’re sitting alone and you tell yourself – This is better. This means I’m going to end up with someone right. All this will make sense when I’m old enough to find the right one. When I have the time to find the right one. – And you believe it! You believe that little pep talk about the future and decide to distract yourself by logging on to Facebook and Voila! She’s not pretty. He was always an asshole. But here they are. Happy. In love. And you hate being jealous but “How does this person who is just not nice in life find love so fast and I can’t even find a boyfriend pillow?!”

I know how that feels. And if there’s anything that makes this worse, I know what it is.

LOVE SONGS AND ROMCOM MOVIES.

Adam Sandler, with his egg shaped head, goes on FIFTY first dates within 3 hours. You.. You can’t find one date if you lived to be fifty. So you turn off the TV and put on some loud music and try to dance your woes away. There’s only one problem.

Your playlist’s agenda of the day is to make yours worse. So your time away from all things that remind you of your singledom completely and utterly destroys you the moment your earphones blast Landon Austin, in all his glory, singing Once in a Lifetime and you’re wishing. You’re praying. That in that moment this would all fade away. That the Earth would open up and you’d be sucked into a vortex where it’s never lonely. Maybe become a part of NASA’s sleep for 72 days program so the need to walk becomes so high, you no longer want to cuddle. Or maybe take a family vacation! Surround yourself with enough drama and at the end of it, you’d scream at the idea of people!

Yes, I know what this feels like. This evening of being so miserably single that you’re almost ready to just give in and call that person who will be the biggest mistake of your life.

And I’m here to tell you, don’t do it.

Because right now, it sounds about perfect. But tomorrow, when you’re in the middle of an important meeting trying to embarrass the guy who makes more money by working less and your phone buzzes constantly getting you cold stares from every person in the room, you’ll wish you’d listened to me.

Better a lonely goose than an underpaid office clown.

 

 

 

 

 

Dear You

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Dear You,

You’re probably wondering why I’m writing this. You’re wondering what could be so difficult to say in person that I have to write about it. You’re maybe even wondering why you’re the one reading this. But bear with me this once because I can’t explain clearly what I don’t really understand. Yet here I go, trying to do just that.

It’s been six years. Six years since I looked at someone and thought to myself I think I have a crush on this guy. Six years since I wondered what it’d be like to go on a first date again. Six years since I’ve felt anything but love that terrifies your very soul. And I don’t really know how to do this. But I’m trying.

I fell in love. The crazy kind. I went on a first date. I felt butterflies. I texted all night. I giggled silly. I blushed through the day. I fell in love. And I had my heart broken. Ruthlessly. I told myself, “Never again.”

But then I fell in love again. The one-sided kind. There was no first date. There were no butterflies. I cried all night. I begged him to say Yes. I fell in love again. And I shattered into a million pieces.  Irreparably. I knew in my soul, “Never again.”

Dear You,

It’s difficult to rise from a lost love. I’m rising from two. I had the man dreams are made of and I lost him. I had the man I couldn’t stop dreaming of and I never stood a chance. You see, it’s not been easy for me.

But you know what they say. Time mends a broken heart. Maybe they’re right. For, I don’t wake up in the morning and think of him anymore. But somewhere along the day, I think of you.

I’m not in love. No. But I’m still scared. I have scars that run deep and a heart that’s healing. And I don’t know how to make sense of it all. I don’t know how to tell you of all the ways you’re helping me get better without scaring you away. I’m nervous, I guess you could say. But there’s so much more to this.

Dear You,

He said I have that look on my face. The one where he knows it’s your text I’m reading. We weren’t even flirting. But you bring about that smile I haven’t felt in a while.

And it’s not like you don’t know. I’ve said it in so many words and more. Yet it feels like there’s words to say that haven’t been spoken. Emotions that haven’t been felt. And I know you’re healing too.

But Dear You,

Waiting doesn’t help. Longing doesn’t make this better. You may think I don’t understand. But I do. I know this isn’t easy. Rebound never was. I know we both need time. Patience at most.

Patience to take this slow. Patience to understand. Patience to figure this out.

So I won’t ask you mighty things. I’ll ask you the simple ones.

Dear You,

Hold my hand. In the middle of road. In that all-too-awkward way.

Dear You,

Send me a text. In the middle of the day. And surprise me beyond say.

Dear You,

Catch my fingers. In the middle of a conversation. I promise I’ll blush all day.

Dear You,

Ask me out. In the middle of this sentence. And I swear I’ll say Yes.

Dear You.

 

___________________________________________________________

Write a love letter campaign by Chennai Bloggers Club

 

I Floated. Then I Hit The Ground With A Thud.

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Do you know what it’s like? When your toes curl? When your heart races? When your soul calms down? Do you know what it’s like to feel like you’re the purpose of another human being’s existence? Like nobody else in the room will ever matter more than you do? Like the luckiest being alive?

I do.

Have you read a Mills & Boon book? The rich and handsome Italian man falls in love with the almost-average girl that brings trouble where she goes? That was my story. Everyone involved in my life knows bits and pieces of this story. But nobody knows the truth. I never trusted anyone with the truth. This truth.

I was your typical teenager. Born into a dysfunctional family. I had no sense of permanent relationships. Terrified of commitment in my own way. I ran from things that mattered. I enjoyed the temporary. I enjoyed the boys that swore they’d never love me. There was a comfort in knowing that. Because I knew how to be prepared for the temporary. I knew to believe that people would leave. I didn’t have faith in the ones who promised to stay.

I was visiting my father in another country. A friend in that city introduced me to him. On another occasion, I would have flirted with the guy. But not him. Even I knew he was far too out of my league. He was handsome. Not the kind I was used to. Snobbish and cynical. Grudgingly atheist. He too came from parents that would have been happier apart but chose to be miserable together. He knew the fear of promises and forevers. We became MySpace friends.

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22nd July 2010. I needed a lunch buddy. He said “Yes.” We got subway. He called it a date. I didn’t say No.

It’s summer romance. I’ll leave and he’ll forget about me. A guy like that is not interested in me. He just wants to have fun. Fun is good. Fun is safe. Fun it is.

I landed back home after the summer. I turned on my phone and there it was – “I hope you got home safe. Call me the moment you can. I’m counting days till I see you again. Yours truly, R.”

I still grin when I think about it. It was our inside joke. “Yours truly.” He was my Shakespeare in disguise. I had fallen in love with a man that was far too good for me. He was mine. And not just for the summer.

We did the long distance thing. For two months. I’d cry and he’d make me smile with stories of the adventures we’d go on when we were together again. If love could be a person, it’d be him. He introduced me to all his siblings and best friends. I was “the girl he’s going to marry.”

When I got insecure, he got on a flight to visit me. When I got upset, he stayed up all night talking to me. And the best part? When I missed him, he missed me.

Hand written love letters. 8-hour skype calls. I wasn’t just in a relationship. I was in THE relationship. I had something every girl dreamed of. I had a man nobody ever gets to meet. I felt something I’d read of. A feeling of floating on the clouds. I was excited yet calm. He was my storm. He was my warm cup of coffee and cozy book during the storm. He was everything I’d ever wanted. He was everything I’d never thought of. He became the one I wanted to hold on to forever.

And life, for the most part, was beautiful.

But Fate never did like it when that happened.

There is this moment we all go through in our lives. The moment we find ourselves unable to help as we watch the ones we love suffer. We can support them. We can stay on the phone for hours so they feel better. But we can’t fix the feeling that hits them the moment we hang up. We can’t fix their problem.

His father got very sick. He moved back to Italy. The long distance became longer. His emotions grew messier. And I was useless.

There are particular emotions you feel at certain moments that you’ll never forget.

I’ll never forget the inability to reach out and hold him as he cried for hours. I’ll never forget my heart break as I couldn’t help him when he needed me the most. I’ll never forget the regret of not being there with him when I should have.

He lost his father after a long struggle. As a result, he lost himself. An adrenaline junkie.  He drank out of his mind. He slept with every woman that went his way. The man I loved became someone I would never consider being with.

His sisters told me he’d gone off the edge and I should give up. But I couldn’t. Because you don’t give up on a relationship because it got difficult. You don’t give up on someone you love because they’ve gone off the edge. I fought for who we were. And this is the moment where the world will begin to disagree with my choices.

After being unreachable for four weeks, he drunk dialled me. At 2:37am on a rainy night.

“Hey babyyy. Guess what? I was just with three women at the same time! Aren’t I the coolest?” I saw a man struggling to fill a void while running away from it. I smiled and asked him to get home safe.

After fighting with me for days, he told me he was too drunk to know where his home is. He’d forgotten his address and was unable to identify which of the cards in his wallet had his address. I had him hand the phone to someone standing next to him and requested them to guide him home. The woman who loved him but never got the opportunity to be with him became my helpline. She showered him. Had him change clothes. Put him to bed. And waited for him to sleep. I still find myself owing her one for that.

We were in the same city again. We had a fight. We went back to his place and his anger got the better of him. It was a fraction of a second. I told him he was overreacting. The next moment I had my palm on my cheek. It was the first of many times.

A date after forever turned into the beginning of the end.

10th September, 2011. 12:45am his time.

“I need to be without you. You’re holding me back. I can’t go through this with you anymore. I can’t be tied down to someone like you. I need to be with me. And lots of other people. It’s time for me to be with other people. This is what I want for my birthday.”

I hung up after telling him something he’d told me a little over a year ago. Something he told me right before he said the words I never thought I’d hear, for the first time.

“If you ever have a wish, I want you to know, I’ll do anything to make it come true. Because I love you. And there’s no changing that.” I gave him his wish. He was no longer tied to me.

I didn’t cry.

I met him a few months later. He was sober. He was dating the one who wanted him. The one who rescued him when I was in another country. The one I owe. He called me that night. It was like old times. He asked me to say Yes. Said he’d give up everything and come back to me. But that was his guilt talking. Not his heart.

I’ve heard people dissect my relationship. Call me weak for staying when he got abusive. Some said I was an idiot for leaving someone so wealthy and handsome.

A few months ago, I met a friend. We talked about dating. We talked about him. She made a comment.

“He broke you. He became a monster. I don’t know why you can’t see that.”

I thought about that days after the conversation.

I fell in love with someone nice. Someone kindhearted. Someone caring. He believed in me. He believed in us. He worked for the greater good of so many. He took over his younger brother’s tuition because he could. He gave away money every month for the elderly and the adopted. He was made of something most people don’t understand. He loved so freely. He didn’t have expectations. He didn’t expect you to love him back. He never hurt people. He was careful with emotions.

He made me ambitious. He gave me a reason to work harder. He made me comfortable in my own skin. Everything I am today is because he walked in to my life when he did. Everything I will ever be, I will owe to him. He was my pillar of strength.

But life caught up to him. It threw him a curveball he didn’t know how to tackle. He gave in to the pressure. It didn’t make him an abuser. It didn’t make him an alcoholic. It didn’t make him a cheater.

It made him human.

He didn’t break me. He made me better when I was at my worst.

And I only wish I could have done the same for him.

Why?

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Why did you do it?

Why did you choose to be you for the first time?

Why did you make me want to pull all my walls down and open my heart up to you?

Why did you make me want to believe in fairytales?

Why did you let me fall for you?

Why did you say no to being mine?

Why did you break my heart into a million different pieces day after day?

Why did you hang up when I needed you the most?

Why did you walk away when I wanted you to stay?

Why did you tell me about this girl you spoke to at night that you really really liked?

Why did you make me feel like I was her?

Why did you ask her out when you told me you weren’t ready when it was me?

Why did I cry like the world was falling apart?

Why did you feel like the only lifeline that could’ve saved me?

Why did that feeling fade away?

Why did you choose to leave?

Why did I want that distance more than you did?

Why did my love for you get buried under a life I wanted to build for myself?

Why did everything become nothing but a memory?

Why did I have the ability to choose me over you?

Why did that choice feel okay?

Why am I okay?

Without you.

With me.

It’s Just a Piece of Paper

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The glamour industry is known more for its divorces than blockbusters. Two of my favorite A-list couples just recently filed for divorce – Ben & Jen and Gwen & Gavin. The tabloid article had an image of Gwen in her wedding dress, looking absolutely happy and it got me wondering..

What if divorces didn’t exist?

What if the moment you get married, there’s no out? If there is a problem, the two of you have to discuss it and sort it out. You have to find a way to work through your issues. And no, I’m not talking about marriages with physically or emotionally abusive spouses or serial cheaters. I’m talking about the normal couples who reach a point where they simply think “We have too many differences. I want out.”

I’m terribly afraid of marriage. Not because I don’t want to be married but because I’m afraid that someday it will end. I’ve said it before several times, the end of me will not be the moment my career comes crashing down or when I lose a loved one. The end of me will be the moment I hold divorce papers in my hand.

But what if that was impossible? I’ve seen so many people in my life rush to get married. My best friend got married after only knowing her husband for 3 months and I know that when in love the person doesn’t think of ever getting divorced but should there be a law that would never allow divorces, do you think the person would think twice before making their decision?

And very honestly, what is it about signing a paper that kills a relationship that has been built over the years? Through various struggles that have been overcome?

Several years ago, when my mother was holding divorce papers, my dad’s mother walked up to her, hugged her and said, “You are not my daughter-in-law because you signed a piece of paper. Our relationship will not end because you sign a paper again.”

That divorce never happened and there has been nothing to worry about on that scale since but my grandmother’s words never left me.

Am I someone’s wife because we sat in front of one hundred guests and got married? Am I someone’s wife because I signed an official paper that states “You are now husband and wife” ?

And does my relationship with this man just end because I sign another paper that says we are no longer united by marriage?

Does one piece of thin paper hold enough strength to turn every fight, every argument, every struggle, every moment, every kiss and all the love insignificant?

If not, then what is it about a divorce? I know I’ll hear a lot of people telling me that marriage is complicated, you have to think of your happiness and a divorce is unavoidable at times. But why?

If there didn’t exist that piece of paper, what would you have done?

Would you have simply walked out? If you knew that that particular piece of paper did not change your relationship, would you find a way to fix the problem? Would you have stayed?

Or would you have still packed and walked away?

I’m not experienced. I can barely hold a relationship together. But I’ve been raised believing that the concept of signing a paper mutually for the beginning and end of a partnership belonged in the corporate world for business deals and not for emotions.

Not for a marriage. Not for a relationship. And definitely not for love.

Am I wrong?

It’s A New Day..

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I want something bright. That was my first thought process last week. It’s getting too dull and I want something bright. Maybe because I have started looking at things a little differently and have come to the understanding that when you look at something bright, it somehow feels better. But I just had this need to change the way this blog looked.

I began experimenting with themes and colors. I couldn’t quite understand what would work. I wanted the option of widgets and other pages to exist without overbearing the writing. Believe me when I say, I had been switching themes until the very last minute.

And as I began scouting for pictures for the header, I came up with quite a few:

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Though they all defined who I was and what I liked, none of it was quite what I was looking for. So I paused as I tried to understand precisely what it was that I found myself searching for and it hit me.

This change that I’m trying to make on this blog is more than just a visual one. I want something fresh. Something bright. Something similar to what I feel every morning.

And when I found this, I knew my search was over.

Loud Thoughts Voiced Out (with spaces, yes) is now:

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Shot by Joseph Barrientos and found on Unspalsh, this header is just the beginning..

And I know I’ve been slipping but I assure you, moving forward, I will have posts up every alternate week.

The content will remain as it always has. This will still be my space and all you beautiful souls will forever be the people I will trust with all my heart. And yes, I will still struggle to add as many images as I probably can (and miserably fail). But I just felt like it was time for a change.

The old theme and the way it was felt perfect at that point in my life, but right now, this is more of how I feel. Like the title suggests..

It’s a new day..

It’s brimming with possibilities and love.

Sending some your way,

Poornima

a.k.a, LoudThoughtsVoicedOut

The Fear of Falling

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Unknown

There are these moments in life. These moments when you see someone for the very first time and you feel your heart skip a beat. Not because you’ve fallen at first sight. But because in that instant you know, with time, falling for this person would no longer be a choice.

I met someone for the first time recently. He caught me off guard and if only I didn’t know better, I would have said the skip of a heartbeat was from feeling startled. But it wasn’t. It was the moment when I saw trouble.

Ten seconds later, I felt my heart hammer. Because I knew. This was a trap I was going to walk into, willingly.

There are three kinds of people when it comes to circumstances like these – the ones that never take the first step forward if they knew it was trouble, the ones that would walk in a little and then choose to back away because they know it’s unhealthy to their heart and of course, there are people like me. We know it’s trouble. We know how this ends. But we will still keep going with the hope that this will be different from the last time while always knowing deep inside that this path is taking us to a place we’ve known before. A place that’s going to emotionally cost us a little too much than it’s worth.

It’s been a few months now. We get along quite well. He’s one of my closest friends. And I feel that pit in my stomach because I know what’s happening.

We have so much in common and yet, we couldn’t be more different if we tried. We want the same things from life. Just not in the same way. We’d be right for each other but it won’t last. And somehow, I’m still here. Because I enjoy the time we spend. I value the little things that only I know. And beyond all, there is something about finding company that’s been where you have and understands the nooks and crooks of all the emotions you feel at very specific moments.

Which is precisely why, at this very moment in my life, I feel nothing but fear. I’m afraid of falling for this person and ruin a friendship that I hold dearly. That I’m going to make this awkward. That we’ll never get back to this place of comfort again. And I’ve thought of the million things I could do to stop this including the middle of the night ridiculousness that is “I could always move to Mars!”

But quite honestly, I don’t think that’s going to work. I’d miss my dog too much.

So I’m going to do what I do best. I’m going to sit back and hope this goes away. That this turns out to be different than the rest. That what I’m feeling is not the hint of a crush but rather a fondness for a friend.

And if it doesn’t..

Well, you’ll probably find a blog post about heartbreak within the next year.

The Moment That Counts

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In a world where dating is fast and speed dating is lightning, I feel out of depth as I wish for the 70’s and the idea of courting someone special.

Relationships are work. I realized a few years ago that finding someone so perfect that everyday feels like a dream is like finding the perfect drop of water in the ocean. It may exist for all you know, but doesn’t it sound funny and unrealistic when said out loud?

I want him, forever. I love the sound of that sentence. I cannot wait to look at someone and feel that way. But do you know how complicated those beautiful words are?

I often wondered why people parted ways. Why someone looks at the other person and says, “I love you so much, but this isn’t working.” How can it not work if there is love? I am also the person that sat across my best friend and said, “I know you love him. But is that enough to take you through a lifetime?”

Valentine’s Day is the day I dread every year. The big day of love. I don’t have someone buying me roses 365 days of the year. But somehow it stings only once. I had a million ideas about what to post. I considered the power of being single as a very realistic topic but in all honesty, I would have been writing a bucket load of crap, even according to me.

So I looked around trying to find inspiration to write something. Anything. I was going through Pinterest, WeHeartIt and had finally gotten on to Tumblr when this feeling hit me. After three hours of scrolling through images, I turned to my left. The view put an unknowing smile on my face and I cannot begin to explain the number of times I’ve felt this way.

Love. It’s what I feel every time I look at him. It’s what he feels when I walk through the door after a long day of work. It’s the smile on my face at the sight of him curled up near me.

I almost hate him at times. He drives me so crazy. I am a cleanliness freak and he has a way of messing up everything. He puts a stink in my room that I can never get rid of. He fights with me over the simplest of things. He irritates me by never striking a pose as I try to take a picture with him. He has so much energy one day and refuses to get out of bed the next.

And yet, when I’m at work, I find myself wondering what he’s doing at that very moment. I feel the need to come home and tell him I missed him like a crazy person. I’m sure he doesn’t understand the words. He doesn’t understand what I’m trying to tell him. But he knows I’m there and I’m going to stay there.

It’s not always easy. It’s not always kisses and hugs. But that’s what makes this so amazingly perfect. The fact that I could screw up and he will not judge me. The fact that he can create a completely ridiculous mess and I will still love him.

I lived my entire life believing this is how relationships are made.

They’re not easy. They’re delicate and dainty. You have to handle them with care. You have to treat it with importance and patience. You have to believe that everything can be worked out.

Because the world will never stop rushing to find the next BIG thing. But you have to remind yourself to stop. Breathe. And take in the moment. Because these moments are the ones we forget easily. These are the ones we won’t remember when sitting around a crowd and laughing it off years later.

But this moment, when I turned left and I saw him curled up next to me, this is the moment I will miss when I’m sitting by myself on a warm Sunday afternoon.

This is the moment I will wish for on my worst day.

Because this is the secret to the perfect relationship. This is what gets us through a difficult phase. This moment when you realize that the world can run if it wants, but you just want to plant your feet on the ground and take the view in.

The best time of your relationship isn’t the one on the video or the photo. It’s not the one you remember by a ring or a souvenir. It’s not the one where you’re surrounded by a flashmob.

The best moment of your relationships is the one that only you’ll know. That only you’ll see..

Dala

Thank You, My Love

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I remember the first conversation. I was my awkward self and your charming way with words made me smile. I called you two days later. I was upset. I wanted you to make me smile. You made me giggle like a child. It was a surprising sound in a rather dull moment of life.

You told me about the girl you were in love with. The one who broke your heart. I found myself grimacing. Wishing I could hold you close and tell you she didn’t deserve you. I wanted to tell you I’d gotten through it and you will too. But I didn’t. I didn’t want you to know about the guy who broke my heart. The guy who made me feel like I didn’t matter. I didn’t want you to ever think of me with someone else.

I’d spent two years learning to find comfort in being myself. But you made me want to be better. I wanted to be someone that was worthy of someone like you. I watched what I did. Who I spoke to. How I behaved.  I didn’t understand why, but the most important part of my day was the moment you answered your phone. My days were a blur as I counted down hours until I could talk to you.

When you laughed at something I said, my heart would melt. I made you laugh. That was such a high to me. I liked the sound of your laugh. I liked that I could make you happy. I wanted to. The moment you said, “I wanted to do something else with my life,” I couldn’t stop thinking if it was too late. I wanted you to live your dreams. For at least a day.

We fought. All the time. I know we did. We didn’t agree on very many things. We didn’t want the same things out of life. You were everything I never wanted in someone. But I could’ve done anything for you.

I remember the phone call. The one where you cried about how difficult your relationship felt. I remember silently crying with you. When we hung up, I slammed my head on my bed. I knew it. I knew this feeling. It had trouble written all over it. This was never going to work. But I hadn’t wanted anything more in my entire life.

Maybe.. What if.. Somehow.. you could feel this way too?

A part of me always knew you didn’t. But it didn’t stop me from hoping. Wishing on every star. Believing that it will change with every phone call. My friends thought I was an idiot.

When I told you, you already knew. When you replied, it felt like a thousand waves came crashing over me. I almost hated you for the way you made me feel right then. Almost.

It’s been more than a year since that day. Everything feels so different. I remember spending the 14th of February last year looking out the door every ten minutes. Hoping you would walk in at any moment to tell me what you hadn’t all those days. It was a hope I held on to every time I yelled, every time I cried, every time I dreamt.

Maybe you’ll wake up one day and feel what I do. What an incredible life that would be. I would fight the world to keep you close. To keep you happy.

I was talking to someone today. Someone who didn’t have the strength you did. Someone that said yes knowing he couldn’t give her his everything. And I felt glad.

Because at my weakest moment, when I was a crying mess, I forgot that I deserve someone that feels for me the fierceness of what I feel for that person. But you didn’t. You stuck with your decision. You stayed sane when I lost my mind. You stayed strong when I was vulnerable. It would’ve been so easy to nod your head, but you never did. Not once. And it felt so difficult then.

But I didn’t see what you were doing. I didn’t see the big picture. I didn’t care enough for my emotions. You did.

And for that, for not being that guy,

Thank you, my love.

Those Little Eyes

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In a world where everyone’s asking you what you’ve achieved, what you’ve done with your life, it feels so easy to lose track of what’s important. When everything around you costs money. When you wake up one day and realize your bills are sky high and your bank account’s buried under the ground, it’s normal to feel the need to lock yourself up at work. When your partner’s fighting with you, when that silly little thing they do becomes the last thing you need that day and you end up screaming your head off and storming out, it’s almost impossible to want to go back home.

But I want you to. I want you to walk around the streets, take as many deep breaths as you need and go back inside that home. Because you know what your struggles are. You know why you’re angry, why you’re upset. But there’s a pair of little eyes watching from a half closed door that doesn’t. And it’s your duty to ensure they never do.

My mother often says, “A child should know the suffering of a parent or they’ll never understand how much we go through just to keep a roof over their head and food on their plate, day after day.”

I know so many people that agree with her, but I don’t.

My theory is as simple as this – If you, as an adult, cannot fix this, there is no way that your child can. And if you, as an adult, cannot handle the emotional turmoil that comes with this problem, what makes you think your child can?

“But they have to understand that we cannot afford everything they want.”

And here’s the thing. Have you seen a shopaholic? The girl in the big city with a flashy card that buys everything she will ever want? She always looks like she has the perfect life. Shopping all the time. Must feel fantastic to be able to afford all that. Here’s the perspective you don’t see. When we have an entire week off, besides resting, we try to spend some time with our family and friends. The people we love. If we had all the money in the world, we’d be taking them on a vacation.

When your child is looking for anything and everything money can buy, I want you to stop and look at something bigger than that tantrum. That shopaholic may be filling an emotional void with materialistic things and your child is no different. The kid in the park playing with his parents isn’t giggling because they bought him a park. He doesn’t understand real-estate value. He understands the hand holding and the push on a swing.

Sometimes, the best birthday present you can ever give to your child is, “I’m going to spend the entire day with you. What do you say we go on a hike and grab some ice cream on the way home?” It’s an inexpensive plan. But it’s the most precious thing in the world because you’re giving them something money will never buy – your time.

You have a million things to deal with in your life. And though we all wish it to be different, there is a very high possibility that when the time comes your child will go through them as well. So don’t rush them into it. If they can’t fix it, they don’t have to know.

Because your child loves you. They were born loving you. When you tell them your problem, they want to fix it for you. When they know they can’t, it turns them into a mess. Always remember, your child is a mirror. They reflect what they see in you. Don’t you want to raise a happy and loving child?

I’m 22 now. I went to university, I have friends, I have a life of my own. There is nothing I wouldn’t give to spend a day watching TV with my mom, laughing and gossiping about nothing. Or go sit at the beach with my dad and talk about old stories and philosophical nothings. We may grow up and take on the world. We may live this whole, busy life that consumes us every minute of the day. But the moment we look at you, we go back to being that same little kid, with our nose stuck to the window, waiting for you to come home.

You may fight with them. Life may come between you more times than one. But those little eyes watching through a half closed door, all they ever want is for you to turn and say “I love you.”

So go pick up that phone and say it.