Thank You, My Love

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I remember the first conversation. I was my awkward self and your charming way with words made me smile. I called you two days later. I was upset. I wanted you to make me smile. You made me giggle like a child. It was a surprising sound in a rather dull moment of life.

You told me about the girl you were in love with. The one who broke your heart. I found myself grimacing. Wishing I could hold you close and tell you she didn’t deserve you. I wanted to tell you I’d gotten through it and you will too. But I didn’t. I didn’t want you to know about the guy who broke my heart. The guy who made me feel like I didn’t matter. I didn’t want you to ever think of me with someone else.

I’d spent two years learning to find comfort in being myself. But you made me want to be better. I wanted to be someone that was worthy of someone like you. I watched what I did. Who I spoke to. How I behaved.  I didn’t understand why, but the most important part of my day was the moment you answered your phone. My days were a blur as I counted down hours until I could talk to you.

When you laughed at something I said, my heart would melt. I made you laugh. That was such a high to me. I liked the sound of your laugh. I liked that I could make you happy. I wanted to. The moment you said, “I wanted to do something else with my life,” I couldn’t stop thinking if it was too late. I wanted you to live your dreams. For at least a day.

We fought. All the time. I know we did. We didn’t agree on very many things. We didn’t want the same things out of life. You were everything I never wanted in someone. But I could’ve done anything for you.

I remember the phone call. The one where you cried about how difficult your relationship felt. I remember silently crying with you. When we hung up, I slammed my head on my bed. I knew it. I knew this feeling. It had trouble written all over it. This was never going to work. But I hadn’t wanted anything more in my entire life.

Maybe.. What if.. Somehow.. you could feel this way too?

A part of me always knew you didn’t. But it didn’t stop me from hoping. Wishing on every star. Believing that it will change with every phone call. My friends thought I was an idiot.

When I told you, you already knew. When you replied, it felt like a thousand waves came crashing over me. I almost hated you for the way you made me feel right then. Almost.

It’s been more than a year since that day. Everything feels so different. I remember spending the 14th of February last year looking out the door every ten minutes. Hoping you would walk in at any moment to tell me what you hadn’t all those days. It was a hope I held on to every time I yelled, every time I cried, every time I dreamt.

Maybe you’ll wake up one day and feel what I do. What an incredible life that would be. I would fight the world to keep you close. To keep you happy.

I was talking to someone today. Someone who didn’t have the strength you did. Someone that said yes knowing he couldn’t give her his everything. And I felt glad.

Because at my weakest moment, when I was a crying mess, I forgot that I deserve someone that feels for me the fierceness of what I feel for that person. But you didn’t. You stuck with your decision. You stayed sane when I lost my mind. You stayed strong when I was vulnerable. It would’ve been so easy to nod your head, but you never did. Not once. And it felt so difficult then.

But I didn’t see what you were doing. I didn’t see the big picture. I didn’t care enough for my emotions. You did.

And for that, for not being that guy,

Thank you, my love.

Rock Bottom

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“We all get stuck there at some point in our lives. You can’t help it. You just have to learn to swim through it. Like in Finding Nemo, ‘Just keep swimming’. It’s the only option.”

When you were a kid, you had a dream. A vision of who you were meant to be. You were too naive to figure out who you were at that moment, but you had a vision for your future – a famous actress, a pilot, a doctor, a model – and as a child, you never knew the struggle it takes to make it to the top. An actress was famous because she was an actress, not because she struggled for years to get there, audition after audition.

I had a million of those visions, changing every other day. But there’s something that stayed constant – I’m going to change something in this world. I’m not meant for a regular job and a regular life. My life has a bigger purpose. I was not born to be normal. There will be something different about me. When I die, someone that isn’t bound to me by blood or marriage will cry their heart out.

This feeling stuck with me for years.

When I read Steve Jobs’ quote – “The ones who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.” – I didn’t just feel inspired. I related. I knew what he meant, I just didn’t know why or how.

The older I got, the more I realized how difficult this path I’m trying to tread might be. But that just motivated me. Everytime someone mocked me, I thought to myself, someday you’ll be sucking up to me. It was an arrogance that I didn’t understand but couldn’t help but possess. Life had probably had enough of it because I finally got a reality check one day.

I was sitting by the window in my parents’ house and I felt it crash through me. Writers often define the feeling of heartbreak as someone shoving a hand inside your ribs and dragging your heart out just so they can rip it apart. But this felt worse. The only change I will ever make in this world is the one to my parents’ bank account as I empty it by living off of them.

I didn’t know how to express what I felt. I was afraid to cry. Afraid that if I let it fall, it’d never stop.

I told someone, “It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do to stop feeling like this. I don’t even know what this feeling is.”

She replied, “We all get stuck there at some point in our lives. You can’t help it. You just have to learn to swim through it. Like in Finding Nemo, ‘Just keep swimming’. It’s the only option.”

I couldn’t take it. I’m not everyone. I can’t just get through it. I was different. How could I have gotten here?!

Six months later, I put up a post – “I Feel Like A Failure”

The day I wrote it, something shifted in me.

For the first time in two years, I felt motivated to change something. So I did. I changed the way I looked at it. I stopped listening to the rest of the world telling me to get through it. I always knew I was different. So why be normal now?

Why sit and wait for something around me to change while telling myself “I’m getting through it”?

Funnily, I still haven’t figured out what the great purpose to my life is. But I’m a lot closer to figuring it out than I was.

Because here’s the thing about hitting rock bottom. There’s only one way out of it..

🙂

Those Little Eyes

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In a world where everyone’s asking you what you’ve achieved, what you’ve done with your life, it feels so easy to lose track of what’s important. When everything around you costs money. When you wake up one day and realize your bills are sky high and your bank account’s buried under the ground, it’s normal to feel the need to lock yourself up at work. When your partner’s fighting with you, when that silly little thing they do becomes the last thing you need that day and you end up screaming your head off and storming out, it’s almost impossible to want to go back home.

But I want you to. I want you to walk around the streets, take as many deep breaths as you need and go back inside that home. Because you know what your struggles are. You know why you’re angry, why you’re upset. But there’s a pair of little eyes watching from a half closed door that doesn’t. And it’s your duty to ensure they never do.

My mother often says, “A child should know the suffering of a parent or they’ll never understand how much we go through just to keep a roof over their head and food on their plate, day after day.”

I know so many people that agree with her, but I don’t.

My theory is as simple as this – If you, as an adult, cannot fix this, there is no way that your child can. And if you, as an adult, cannot handle the emotional turmoil that comes with this problem, what makes you think your child can?

“But they have to understand that we cannot afford everything they want.”

And here’s the thing. Have you seen a shopaholic? The girl in the big city with a flashy card that buys everything she will ever want? She always looks like she has the perfect life. Shopping all the time. Must feel fantastic to be able to afford all that. Here’s the perspective you don’t see. When we have an entire week off, besides resting, we try to spend some time with our family and friends. The people we love. If we had all the money in the world, we’d be taking them on a vacation.

When your child is looking for anything and everything money can buy, I want you to stop and look at something bigger than that tantrum. That shopaholic may be filling an emotional void with materialistic things and your child is no different. The kid in the park playing with his parents isn’t giggling because they bought him a park. He doesn’t understand real-estate value. He understands the hand holding and the push on a swing.

Sometimes, the best birthday present you can ever give to your child is, “I’m going to spend the entire day with you. What do you say we go on a hike and grab some ice cream on the way home?” It’s an inexpensive plan. But it’s the most precious thing in the world because you’re giving them something money will never buy – your time.

You have a million things to deal with in your life. And though we all wish it to be different, there is a very high possibility that when the time comes your child will go through them as well. So don’t rush them into it. If they can’t fix it, they don’t have to know.

Because your child loves you. They were born loving you. When you tell them your problem, they want to fix it for you. When they know they can’t, it turns them into a mess. Always remember, your child is a mirror. They reflect what they see in you. Don’t you want to raise a happy and loving child?

I’m 22 now. I went to university, I have friends, I have a life of my own. There is nothing I wouldn’t give to spend a day watching TV with my mom, laughing and gossiping about nothing. Or go sit at the beach with my dad and talk about old stories and philosophical nothings. We may grow up and take on the world. We may live this whole, busy life that consumes us every minute of the day. But the moment we look at you, we go back to being that same little kid, with our nose stuck to the window, waiting for you to come home.

You may fight with them. Life may come between you more times than one. But those little eyes watching through a half closed door, all they ever want is for you to turn and say “I love you.”

So go pick up that phone and say it.

The Post

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So this is happening :

ec6172476638a4c372516cbd82db55f5

I’m working on it, I am. But it just feels like something landed on my brain and refuses to move away resulting in a sudden stop of thoughts that make sense when strung together and in my inability to find an alternative string of thoughts after trying for almost a week, I have finally gotten to the point of acceptance about it.

I have writer’s block.

Bear with me please as I get my head back on track. As soon as this big piece of rock sitting on my brain decides to move, I will have a post up, no matter what day of the week it is. Pinky swear !

Thank you for understanding 🙂

Lots of Love.

PS – this picture is also from Pinterest.

#ReactWithKindness

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“It was a bright morning. I turned to smile at the person who made life feel like a dream come true. It was a tough year so far and all our money had gone towards mom’s medical bills. Me losing my job didn’t help and with the scarcity of opportunities for someone with average education, it had been challenging. Some days were better than others. Today was one of those better days. My kid had Autism. Therapy was a little expensive but worth it. We were going to participate in a local event. As a family. We hadn’t done anything, the three of us together, in a really long time. I was excited.

We figured too much breakfast might not help us during the day and stuck with juice. The house was abuzz with laughter. Hope was just beginning to resurface. We held hands as we walked to the venue.

The crowd gathered and the little one sighed with impatience. Finally, we heard the voice say, “3.. 2.. 1.. Go !” And we began to run. As fast as we could, laughing and giggling. We almost looked like the perfect family and my heart swelled for I had a very rough and unstable upbringing. But here we were. A new wave of energy took over me and it felt amazing. It was almost as if this was an indication that we were going to move forward. Not just in this race but in life. We were going to run through it with smiling faces just like this. The good times were here. I turned to my left and grinned.

*…………………………*

I’m lying on the ground. I feel suffocated. I hear voices but I can’t make out what they’re saying. I hear a cry but I don’t know where it’s coming from. I want to get up but I feel like I’m tied down. I can’t speak. My kid..My little baby.. I can’t think as pain takes over every part of my body. I want to see what’s around me and I will myself to get up. I struggle as I push myself up and almost instantly regret it. I’m surrounded by smoke, blood, death and tears. I find the point of pain in my body. I see the bone poking out of my right leg. Fear washes over me. My family.. Where’s my family.. I have to find my family.. I look around like a mad person, screaming their names. I’m starting to feel frantic. Panic is the only emotion I feel. Tears run down my face. I try hard to focus on every voice I hear to see if I can hear theirs. I turn around trying to spot them and I almost missed it. Sometimes, I wish I had. Because there, lying beneath a pile of people and a lot of blood, is the love of my life holding on to my child. I went numb. This can’t be.. It can’t happen.. It’s not them.. It shouldn’t be them..”

They say “a certain group has taken responsibility for the incident that led to the death of so many innocent people.” I hate it when they do. They’re shedding light on a bunch of people that shouldn’t be acknowledged as human beings.

This post is a struggle to write as I constantly battle between rage and logic.

Everyone has a past. We all lose loved ones. But we don’t wake up one morning and think to ourselves, “Oh I’m pissed beyond reason. I need to blow up a few buildings and kill a couple of hundred people.” There has to be an underlying reason and an amount of mental instability behind behavior like this that I feel like we’re missing. Everyone is capable of kindness. It’s just a little difficult for some in comparison to others. But no matter what the trigger, revenge is not the answer. Especially if your revenge does not involve the person(s) you’re actually offended by.

“If you release this movie, we will bomb the theaters.” – Does this sound normal to you?

I’m not the nicest person in the world. I don’t care if two people hold a grudge and want to slaughter each other’s heads off. Their consequences are theirs to face. But I would like an explanation as to why the world deems it ok to use people who have absolutely nothing to do with the process as bait?

And if that’s not ok, why are we still not doing something about it?

Blood cannot be avenged by blood. I’m not a Gandhi person. I don’t believe that if someone slaps you, you show them the other cheek. I also don’t believe that I can only come to peace with it by slapping them back. Because if you do exactly what they did, you lose the ability to pinpoint, for at that moment, you’re simply staring at a mirror.

“The one way to combat the sad and terrible things we see is to bring just a little bit of kindness into the world”

– Ben Affleck, PCA 2015

I might not have the perfect definition for what kindness is but I do know it does not involve ruining a stranger’s life. No matter how bad it gets, there’s always someone willing to listen, willing to help.

You will never stop an explosion by creating another one.

And to the ones that walk away without caring because you believe that it will never be you, I’m sure there was someone out there who thought that too. Until the fiction written above became their reality.

#ReactWithKindness

Inspired by Rebekah Gregory, Boston Marathon Bombing survivor.

New Year Ramblings

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It’s a new year again ! It’s a new beginning. New relationships, new friendships, new entertainment, new disasters and renewed resolutions.

When you count down the last few seconds, it’s so exciting. It’s the end of an entire year. It’s time to make some new memories. It’s the start of something new, something different, something perfect and 3, 2, 1…

Hi. It’s the exact same life you had ten seconds ago.

Because this is the truth we refuse to see. The truth behind every failed New Year’s Resolution.

On the 31st of December 2014, I was not a member at any gym across the city for one exact reason – I’m a lazy bum. About ten minutes before midnight, I had not travelled to any of the places on my bucket list because – I have no savings and no way of getting some anytime soon. When the clock read 11:59:50PM – I hated adventure and things that weren’t planned to the very last detail.

And unfortunately, at midnight, there was no fairy godmother waving her magic wand to change any of it.

When we bring in a new year, we make all these plans. We expect to become healthier and smarter and make better decisions. We tell ourselves that our lives will no longer be what it was. We’re going to re-organize the drama, find a way to lose the weight, save a lot of money and do all the things we couldn’t do last year. And amidst the chaos and excitement, we forget that the only thing that will be different the next morning is that one digit on our calendar.

Change doesn’t happen with the date or time. It doesn’t happen when a year ends. It doesn’t happen when the clock strikes midnight. Change happens from within us. If we really want to become healthier, we have to attempt to eat and live a healthier life. If we want to travel the world, the money isn’t going to magically appear in our bank accounts. We have to consider a way to save, starting today. And as for changing who we are, it’s not always necessary but if it is, it definitely has to start from the inside.

So this New Year, instead of trying to change everything drastically within the first month, try to take up one oath. That you will make small changes everyday. A change so small that it might be insignificant today but will make a big difference 365 days from now. Let this be the year where you keep up your resolutions, not because you made easy ones but because you made logical ones. And I hope this year has more happy and proud memories than all that’s been so far.

And while we’re on that note, I just wanted to share with you something I’ve been doing for the past two years and have taken on again this year.

The Happy Box :

The Happy Box doesn’t have to be a particularly nice one. It can be anything from a recycled shoe box to an old tin you found lying around. Every time you feel joy and happiness, write it down along with the date and put it in your Happy Box along with some money. It doesn’t have to be big amounts. Can even be 1 cent / paise if that’s all you can manage. On January 1st 2016, open the box. We make so many memories throughout the year. Some of them are forever etched in our brains, while others are lost in a sea of thoughts and emotions. This will be a good way to look back on those lost moments as well as a way of saving money, even if it’s just a little bit. So come a new year, you get to re-live the best moments that you’d forgotten and spend the money you saved. This was my unboxing day :

Happy Box 2014

One of the things I’d forgotten about last year, that I was reminded of through a happy box note, was a very normal day spent with family, laughing about childhood memories a few hours before my cousin went back to the US. Do let me know what your happiest moments from last year were and if you think the Happy Box is something you would do.

Once again, Happy New Year you guys ! Last year was absolutely amazing and Thank You SO MUCH for all the positivity you sent my way. I had a post I really wanted to put up this week but I felt like the first post of a new year needed to be much more happier and lighter. So until next week..

Sending a lot of love your way ❤

Make Sure It’s Worth It

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I make New Year resolutions just like everyone else. I don’t always keep them up just like everyone else. And if you’ve been around for a while, you would’ve noticed my post about how ‘I feel like a failure‘. Though there were so many kind and motivational comments, I felt like something was missing. Something I desperately needed to hear. The last push. I just didn’t know what it was. I wanted to find out before I started 2015.

On Tuesday, I was looking through Pinterest when I came across this picture :

Pinterest quote picture

I fell in love with this. It made sense. Some thing spoke to me on a very deep and emotional level. That was the first time I felt it. Like that missing part had been found. Like life finally made sense. I knew what the future needed to be. And then it happened again the very next day.

If you’ve heard of South Indian cinema, you’ve probably heard of Super Star Rajinikanth. The man has the mass going crazy about the smallest of dialogues and gestures. He makes blockbusters out of nothing. It’s crazy to think, at one point, he was just a bus conductor and was spotted and introduced to the world of cinema by a directorial genius named K. Balachander – commonly known as KB. A director who has made the most brilliant forward-thinking movies, discovered some of the best names in the industry and was an inspiration to anyone with a dream. Unfortunately, the world saw the last of him on a live funeral this Wednesday. The stars and the crowd that gathered and cried for him was visual proof of the kind of man he was. He changed cinema in a way one cannot imagine. But the only thought I had as I saw that legend one last time was this :

We are born from nothing. We end up as nothing. Centuries later, we would be long forgotten. Everything about us would be irrelevant. Today, he is mourned and missed because his life had meaning. He changed the lives of so many. He made stars out of common men. South Indian cinema wouldn’t have been the same without this man. His life’s purpose was to better movies and bring to the spotlight talented people. History will forever hold his name. So what is the purpose of my life?!

This was the second time I felt it. The first time, the picture was a movie theatre. The second time, was the death of a man who made cinema what it is today. Maybe it’s just coincidence. Maybe it was meant to be but KB gave me the spark I needed to move forward.

I will live to, maybe, 60? If not, less. Then I’d be gone. Burnt to ashes and thrown into the ocean. Few generations down, my own family will suffer to remember who “that grandmother’s grandmother” was. This is pretty much half the world. And yet we sit around, we gossip, we surround ourselves with so much negativity, we judge others based on what we see and not what we understand, we spread rumors, we fight, we cry, we get heartbroken and we finally wither away. What is the point of this life?

When you’re breathing your very last, will it matter that you knew her boobs were fake? Will it matter that you were right about the neighbor’s affair? Will it matter that you thought the woman in a sexy dress on the street at midnight was a “total slut” even though she might have just been a mother trying to make some money to feed 4 kids after their father died at war? Or will it matter that you’ve done something worthwhile and brought some happiness to yourself and others around you?

Life isn’t about the success or failures. It’s not about how much money you’ve made or how big your house was. When I die, if there is one person that feels as shattered as the thousands that stood by KB’s corpse, I know I have lived a life worth living.

So this year, I’m not going to make a resolution to lose twenty pounds. I’m not going to tell myself that I can eat healthy all through the year. I’m not going to set unrealistic financial goals so I can take a trip around the world. Here is my 2015 resolution :

This life that I was either blessed or cursed with, I am going to make worth my while. I am going to walk away from negativity and I will surround myself with the ones I love and the ones who love me. I may not be able to change the world, but I can change at least one person’s life for the better and I will. Besides..

New Year 2015

I hope you have an incredible day and year ahead. Happy New Year 2015 ❤

The Santa Claus Theory

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I didn’t grow up with Santa. I don’t celebrate Christmas. I don’t know the story. But I like the concept. I’ve always wanted the presents and the tree. When I was 16, I went to Santa Anita Mall in California and took a picture with Santa Claus. My first one ever. I now have that picture on a keychain tucked safe inside a box. A priced possession. That’s what I think Christmas is about.

In kindergarten, my teacher would ask us to bring a wrapped gift from our parents to put under a tree so during our last class before Christmas, one of the staff members could dress up as Santa Claus and give it back to us as presents. It was the most wonderful time of the year. Technically, it’s a present from me, for me and yet it felt unbelievably amazing. But can every child have that?

I have parents that took the time and spent the money to buy me a present and wrap it perfectly just so I could have something to be surprised about on a day that I don’t even celebrate. Can everyone do that? Can everyone afford to do that?

This year, my best friend and I have decided to start a tradition. We love the idea of Christmas and presents. So we set a common budget and said, “We will meet on the 25th and exchange gifts. It is definitely going to be so much fun.” The day is drawing close and I’m starting to have second thoughts. There’s nothing we’re going to buy that the other cannot afford now or at any other time during the year. There’s nothing we really want that we can’t live without. You see, we live pretty content lives, materialistically speaking. So what is the point of starting something like this? What is it that the two of us crave but can’t have right now? And then.. I had a light bulb moment.

Happiness. We are both going through a very difficult and trying time. It is a struggle to get through the day and we would love it if, just for a few minutes, we could feel undisturbed happiness. But how do we give each other that?

I called her. I explained what I believe should be done on that day and she agreed without hesitation. So here’s the thing.

This year, my best friend and I have decided to start a tradition. We love the idea of Christmas and presents. Just like so many other kids in my city that actually celebrate the holiday but can’t afford to buy presents. So we set a common budget and said, “We will meet on the 25th and go to the closest orphanage or homeless shelter and give them gifts. It is definitely going to be so much fun.” The day is drawing close and I’m starting to feel excited. These are kids without parents, without families. All they have is each other and there’s not much they can give to each other but love and though that is better than any material ever, a little Christmas miracle never hurt anybody. So we want to give them something they can enjoy. It doesn’t have to be big or expensive. It just has to make them happy.

Because the only way you can ever give happiness to yourself is by giving it to another.

It may sound selfish but there’s nothing wrong in feeling good as long as you know that the reason you did what you did was for the other person and not for yourself. So here’s what I think – When you look at it from a distance, there’s more to the tiny little things that surround this day, more lessons, more joy than what it has become. And when I think of Santa, I think it’s what he intended to do. This was Santa Claus’ Theory :

He’ll teach the kids to be nice all through the year by tempting them with a reward. He’ll teach them to appreciate the people in their lives. He’ll help them understand the next person’s needs so they can buy exactly that for a present. He’ll show them the art of happiness – not because of what you have as your present but because you watch the other person smile at what you’ve gotten for them. He’ll let the family create a lifetime of traditions.

Like I want to create with you. So let’s do this – you and me. Our little Christmas tradition to be done year after year, for as long as we live.

When you’re shopping for presents, buy a little something else. Can even be a bag of chocolates. Drop it off at the closest homeless shelter on Christmas day. If you’re feeling up to it, walk in and hand them to the people there. It’ll be our little thing every year. It’s not expensive, it’s not mighty but it’s a memory. For you, for me and for them. And I’ve always said, a memory is the most priced possession you can ever have.

Sending a lot of love, joy and miracles your way,

Merry Christmas 🙂

I Feel Like A Failure

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There. I’ve said it. I’ve said the words I’ve been afraid to say for weeks, months now. This is what I feared. This emotion that I do not know how to process. This emotion that I do not know how to rise from. This emotion that I can’t make go away. This emotion that consumes me from the moment I wake up. The one that keeps me from sleeping at night.

We all make plans. Long term plans. I made a five-years’ plan. I was going to graduate university, get a job at an advertising agency and work my way up to one day be the Creative Director. Get my own apartment. Call my mom when I missed her food. Have this life that was so perfect and filled with flaws that were sprinkled all over it like tiny little snowflakes. I was moving forward and there came a point when I could see everything I ever wanted right there in front of me. All I had to do was grab it with both hands and never let go and I almost did. But then..

..The Universe happened.

I can be naive and childish about a lot of things but the very big decisions, I put a lot of thought into and I insist about sleeping on it because I believe you always see things more clearly after a good night’s rest. So that’s what I did. After a lot of thought, I made the decision to drop out, not because it was the right thing to do for myself but because it was the right thing to do for my family. I told myself it was a temporary situation. What I’d forgotten was that my five-years’ plan didn’t have enough wiggle room for that break. Because when I made that plan, I told myself it was all or nothing. I aimed for All. Life gave me Nothing.

In two months, it’ll be two years since my life stood still. When everything around me came to a screeching halt.

I’ve written five versions of this post. Nothing sums up what I’m feeling. I have no words to explain this thin line I’m standing on. This feeling where the smallest of pushes will turn me into a crying mess. I have lived all my life with insecurities that I locked deep inside me and some time over these past few months, they’ve been set free. I avoid conversations. I ignore successful people. I refuse to acknowledge happiness. Not because I’m jealous or negative. But because I long for that. Because it was so close and now it feels like a faraway dream that I might never have. I am the Titanic right after it hit the iceberg. Filled with chaos. Falling apart.

The most success I’ve had today is that I swallowed my tears. I didn’t let myself cry like I wanted to. And that’s not ok. Not by a long shot. This cannot be my life. I have made so many mistakes but the biggest one so far was the moment I let myself sink.

When talking to my father about a potential groom, I always said – “He has to be the kind of person that started his life from scratch. He can have the smallest apartment and we could be saving not more than $10 a month and I will still be proud of him because everything he has came from his hard work. I will remind him everyday that he’s worth it. Because he is all that matters.”

This was the mistake. I had so much encouragement and pride towards someone I’ve never met and yet, I didn’t have it for myself. I didn’t tell myself it’s ok to fall. I didn’t take pride in having the strength to live through that. I didn’t encourage myself enough to want to rise from this and make a life for myself. I didn’t value my life enough to do something about it. I just let myself go.

When I started this post, it was going to end right here. But as I pour these thoughts out, I’m starting to see things with clarity.

And now when I look back, I feel like I’ve paved the way to my own depression and I’m afraid that if I don’t do something about it, this will be the rest of my life.

So this is where I will start. Today, right this moment I take an oath to myself that I’m going to turn this around. I’m going to pick myself up and dust myself off. I’m going to find a Plan B and leave enough wiggle room for a Plan C. My cousin is getting married in March. When that wedding comes, I will not hide behind a fake smile. I will not avoid conversations. I will not find excuses to not go. Because right now…

I feel like a failure. But it’s not who I am and I won’t let it be.

Failure J.K Rowling

Because I’m Happy

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Happiness. That’s the ultimate goal. We all want to be happy. The moment we throw our heads back and laugh without a care for the world. When we cry with joy and sigh with contentment. When everything feels calm. When life feels serene. Sounds so perfect, doesn’t it?

So what does that for you? What makes you happy?

My mother’s friend was planning on sending her son to university in a foreign country. Unfortunate for them, the plan was cancelled last minute and he got stuck here. During a fight about the whole situation, he said “I cannot live here. This place does not make me happy. I need to go there to be happy.”

Do you remember a time in your life when you were so happy that it was undescribable? When nothing you will ever say could sum up what you felt at that very moment? Was it the place? Was it the people? Was it you?

I remember, when I was a kid, my grandmother and I used to play cricket with a plastic bat and ball in the living room. There were only two rules. When I held the bat, everything was a winning hit. When she held the bat, she lost in the first play. I was so happy. It was a tiny house with a living room the size of my current bathroom. We didn’t have a lot of money and we didn’t have a lot of things. It was the happiest time of my life.

I feel like, as we grow up, we begin to feel more miserable by the day. What we feel no longer depends on the people who love us or the moments we have. Our happiness starts being defined by the person sitting next to us. She has an iPad. He has a Ferrari. They have a Phd. His family is bigger. They are more in love than we are. I don’t have those things. My life isn’t like theirs. I have nothing. I don’t feel enough. My house is smaller. My car is older. And I won’t be happy until I get that particular iPhone with the slow motion capture or that fancy car with those amazing speakers. I won’t be happy until I am loved as much as he is.

“You wrecked my happiness by not giving me enough !”

That is not right. I do not agree with the concept that I will only be happy when I have what someone else does too. That I can only be happy when I’m loved like someone else is. It’s not how it works.

I’ve had some very unhappy moments. But they came from within, not from the outside. When I’m upset, I can’t blame the next person for it. I will always have more than someone else and if I don’t know how to use the opportunities presented to me, that’s my fault. There is always someone looking at us and thinking “I want what they have so I can be happy.” Instead of gloating in that feeling, wouldn’t it be nice to set an example ?!

And often, people get the feeling of happy and lonely mixed up. They presume that if you’re lonely, you’re depressed. But that’s not true. You can be so utterly happy and yet feel unbelievably lonely because you don’t have someone to share that happiness with.

We don’t need that man, that woman, that mansion, his car, her earrings, their life – because you can have it all and feel absolutely miserable. You can be sitting on top of the world and be the most unhappiest person on the planet. Take a look at a poverty stricken area in your neighborhood. I will assure you there are more people laughing there than in that of a fancy gated community. They are not happy from the money. They are not happy from the fancy phones or cars that they cannot have. They are happy from within.

Any moment of joy you will ever feel has to come from you. Because I can give you the best of the best but know that with time, something better will come along and you will be exactly where you were all over again.

I’ll say it now and I’ll say it always. Life is shitty. It’s miserable for the most part. There’s always the lack of something or someone. If we want to start picking on all the things that are wrong, we will spend the rest of our lives feeling so irrepairably miserable and depressed. There’s never a moment in your life when something is not right. Find that. Hold on to that little positive thought. And choose to smile. Be happy. Not because it’s what’s expected. Not because you’ve got something someone else doesn’t. Not because you’re loved like no one else is.

Be happy because you can be.