I’ve been there. So close to the end. So ready to fall. But something always pulled me back. It’s not because I was brave enough to face life. It was because I was terrified of ending it. And nobody really talks about this. But I want to.
And I’ll do what nobody else does. I’ll talk in favor of the ones who take the plunge. The ones who fall. I’ll justify it. But know that I don’t support their choices. I don’t support their courage. I don’t believe the end is truly the answer. But let’s just imagine this. Imagine being in their shoes. Imagine those moments.
Your parents yelled. Your loved one passed away. Life got too difficult. And you’re there. Sitting on a chair in a home you’ve loved. But you’re not home. You’re not seated in the middle of the room you decorated yourself. You’re in a corner. A dark one. An unfamiliar one. You’re struggling to breathe. Something hurts. You don’t know if it’s emotional. You don’t know if it’s physical. But the pain exists. You can’t identify it. You can’t fix it. And it’s getting worse. With every passing moment. You feel it more. You cringe. You wrap your arms around your knees and will it away. But it doesn’t vanish. You cry. You scream. You yell. But nothing changes. It’s there. Unavoidable. Indestructible.
You curl yourself into a ball. You shake with fear. With disappointment. With emotions you can’t control. With a pain that feels like a million knives stabbing you all at once. Your jaw clenches. And you tell yourself, I’ll do anything it takes to stop this pain. Anything it takes to feel normal again.
Your body listens to the desperation in your heart. Your body gets up. And it walks. And your mind is suddenly clear because you believe deep in your soul that you’ve found the cure to the pain. That you now know how to end this suffering. It is to fall. So you fall.
Too far. Too deep. With no return. You’re no longer in pain. You’re no longer suffering. But the ones who love you are.
This is what suicide is. It is your body listening to your desperation and reacting without thinking. It is getting rid of your pain in the easiest way possible.
How often have you heard the phrase, “Suicide is for the cowardly” ? They’re wrong. Suicide isn’t for the weak hearted. Suicide isn’t for the cowards. The cowards wouldn’t get up from that corner in the fear of enduring more pain if they did. The cowards wouldn’t walk into nothingness. The cowards would never fall. The strong ones do. The selfish ones do. They find a way to fix their problem and go after it. They forget the ones who love them. They forget the ones who care. They forget the opportunities that life has to offer.
They focus on ending the moment’s pain. They walk. They fall.
I lost a friend when I was young. Her parents yelled at her about school and she hung herself. I’ve wondered what drove her there. I’ve been depressed. I’ve wanted to end it all. But I always imagine my parents and my sister after. I imagine my mother finding me dead in a corner. I imagine her face. I imagine her falling to the floor with shock and tears. The way their lives would change. How they’d never forgive themselves for not knowing my pain. How it would affect my sister’s life. How I will make things worse for the people I care about.
Surely people think about these things when they consider the end. But something pushes them still. Something drives them to take that last step. Why isn’t what’s stopping me, stopping them?
Why is the person strong enough to fall not strong enough to face the wrath and find a way through it?!
Everyone noticed Robin Williams’ jokes. Nobody noticed Robin Williams. Do you ever wonder, if instead of asking him to tell them a joke, someone had just taken the time to talk to him, he would still be here?
No one person in this world is born with the will to end their life. No one person is raised believing the answer to a problem is suicide.
Something drives them there. Something makes them believe that nobody cares about them. That they’re alone in this. That they have to end their life to survive the pain. And if I told you you could help, would you?
Because you can. You can save a life. All it takes is just one sentence.
“Let’s talk about this.”
_____________________________________
If you or someone you know needs help, please reach out:
India – http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/india-suicide-hotlines.html
US – http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html
International – http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
Loud Thoughts Voiced Out 
This is two weeks in a row now you have written something that goes beyond ‘writing a blog’ but touches on something far deeper and more important. I suspect you will get lots of comments on this one, for it is a brave post, though I suspect you didn’t write this for the slap on the back saying, well done. I have only ever had the most fleeting thoughts of suicide during moments of confusion and sadness. I have always been able to shake them from my mind before I really contemplated it. I think you chose an amazing perspective here to write this. It is unique. It is special, and it is an important post. Thank you
I think it’s important for us to be exposed to the perspective of the person going through it all. Whenever people do talk about suicide, which isn’t too often, it usually comes from a point of personal perspective – “This is how I feel about it” and “Oh, how terrible!” – as if our individual opinions on the subject matter at all in the grand scheme. It’s hard to imagine being completely debilitated by something happening entirely in your head; far from the view of anyone you know or love. It’s harder still to imagine that person to be your colleague, the bank teller, or even someone in your own family.
We could all do with more sensitising towards this seemingly sensitive subject, surely. And well-written pieces like this only serve to help us all along the way.
Nicely done.
Really thought provoking blog . Hope it reaches a wide audience, it could make someone think twice that ending it is not the answer.
Last year, the son of a neighbor of mine (I didn’t know the neighbor or the son) hung himself because he wanted to marry someone he loved and his parents had him engaged to another girl. It affected me deeply and for days afterwards I was very upset. It was because I just could not wrap my head around it. It was so bewildering to me that someone would choose to end their life for such a reason. I too have been in love and had to face my parent’s dislike for my marriage but I couldn’t ever picture myself doing such a thing. I have been at points in my life when I have been very depressed and suicide has flitted through my mind but like you said, the thought of those who would miss me has always pulled me back.
Suicide is screwed up thinking, its when emotions take over rationality and people who are in that situation need a lot of help. But it is also a very selfish thing and it is too harsh a punishment for those that care about you. It does take some extraordinary strength to push yourself over that inborn program of self-preservation, but I also feel that it takes extraordinary courage to face the situation and live on.
Hi….What you have written about is something people wish to ignore as hell. It’s scary to even think of it. To pen it all down is to actually be there; because when you write, words come right out of your system.
What engages the mind is to imagine the helplessness and despair a person attempting suicide must be going through. Often someone in this abyss would not want to seek help; he finds help meaningless. We are most of the time oblivious to hope springing from the least expected quarters. I have seen this happen……..a dear one attempting to end her life……..emerging out of it…..and today a very strong individual with kids she dotes on.
A great post!
Wow, what a completely powerful piece, thank you. i have a friend who has been there, right to the edge but thankfully i think iit has been thoughts of his family and friends that have held him back but it is so scary to even contemplate – i think you have really captured it well here – thanks for giving of yourself in this as well as this is obviously not just a piece you write that doesn’t affect and may even cost you or hopefully it adds strength and encouragement….
Glad you stuck around – you have a gift – keep on
love brett fish
This is such a powerful piece.I can feel it talking (if that makes sense) but really really good job! I am really impressed ! Definitely giving a follow! 🙂
I didn’t know India had a suicide hotline. You are right you know, suicide is never cowardly. They are doers who want a solution for their pain, desperately.
I love you for being able to put into words things that I think and feel all the time
– this not necessarily being said for this particular post alone
HI loudthoughtsvoicedout! I read a lot of your posts and I feel you you are a brilliant writer, You have the uncanny ability to use words that go straight to one’s heart.
I would like to clarify that I do not intend to be rude, i am.. just curious! You mentioned in our post about being depressed to the point that you almost took the plunge and said that the reason you stopped was due to our family, people you love and asked that why don’t the people who take the plunge, stop and think about them?! I have just one thing to say,. do you think its possible that the ones who took the plunge were not have fortunate enough to have any loved ones or their feelings to stop them from taking the plunge?
Hello 😀 first things first, please never think twice before saying what you feel. I love hearing others’ thought processes towards topics I write. 🙂 That’s actually a very valid point. And maybe I’m naive but I’ve never met someone who has absolutely nobody that loves them. If it’s not family, it’s a friend. It’s a smiling face that makes your coffee and looks forward to seeing you every morning. There’s always someone.
Well hello then, because I am that someone who has no one.. No family, no friends, no well wisher,. No one smiling towards me no matter what.. And i am struggling to find a reason not to take the plunge… Have been struggling for a while now.. Lemme know if you know of anything that can help!
Hello. I’m nice at times. I occasionally like people and I always love making others feel special. Be my friend and let me be the first of many that are sure to come? 🙂
Thank you so much for reading and your kind words 😀
xx