Month: February 2015

The Feeling That Controls

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The irony is – the reason I’m writing this post is the reason I almost didn’t.

I always knew this about me. It has been a part of who I am for as long as I’ve known. I’ve come to accept it. I don’t know if that’s a good thing. It’s one of those things where I believed – it is what it is.

I never really understood how it affected my relationships and friendships. I never psychoanalyzed myself. Until a few years ago.

I remember the first time I noticed that I was doing it. We have those moments when we become self-conscious about something we normally do and it becomes this thing we notice about ourselves every time we end up thinking or acting that way. I suddenly realized how many times in a day I questioned whether someone in my life would leave me. How many times in a day I wondered how many people hate me. How many times in a day I wondered if I was a pain they were putting up with simply because they’re friends now and feel bad changing their mind.

It was the first time I realized that what I had come to accept as a simple part of my life had essentially ruled every relationship I had ever had. Because that’s what happens when you feel this way. When you’re at your best and you still feel uncomfortable in your own skin. When you’re at your happiest and you feel a pang wondering when it’s going to come to a crashing end. When you’ve met that perfect person and can’t stop thinking if he’s going to run away any moment now. When I stand in front of the mirror and like what I see only to feel the need to cover it all up as soon as I walk out the door. What if they see? What if they hear? What if they read? What if they leave?

We wear different masks for different audiences so we can fit in. We tell them what they need to hear so they’ll keep us close. The way we shake our hands. The way we walk, talk. The way we live. Everything dictated by the one thing we can’t control. When nothing we do feels good enough. When a compliment feels difficult. When self-confidence is a charade.

I have forgotten who I am amidst the masks I wear to please people I’m afraid will leave if they ever knew what really goes on inside my head. Because I grew up with this feeling. This feeling that you have felt at some point as well. This feeling that has taken over my life. The feeling that influenced many of your decisions. It’s what keeps us hanging on to someone while also craving isolation. I need you to tell me I’m perfect but know that I will never believe you. I want you to stay but know that I’ll run before you do. Because someone told me, leave before you’re left and I’ll always believe you’ll leave. It’s not what I want to think. It’s what I’m made to think. Because this feeling has taken over every inch of my being and there is nothing left of me.

Insecurity.

I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to control it. But I know what created it. The moment it hit me that just because you love someone with everything you have doesn’t mean it has to be reciprocated. When I realize that the person who is supposed to love you can still walk away from you. That when it comes boiling down to the very last second, everyone is selfish about their emotions and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Insecurity. It’s why I didn’t want to write this post. Because I didn’t know if anyone would relate to this. Maybe this is going to be boring. Maybe they’re going to think I’m hopeless. Maybe I am hopeless. Because I can never win against it. But this is me trying.

The Moment That Counts

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In a world where dating is fast and speed dating is lightning, I feel out of depth as I wish for the 70’s and the idea of courting someone special.

Relationships are work. I realized a few years ago that finding someone so perfect that everyday feels like a dream is like finding the perfect drop of water in the ocean. It may exist for all you know, but doesn’t it sound funny and unrealistic when said out loud?

I want him, forever. I love the sound of that sentence. I cannot wait to look at someone and feel that way. But do you know how complicated those beautiful words are?

I often wondered why people parted ways. Why someone looks at the other person and says, “I love you so much, but this isn’t working.” How can it not work if there is love? I am also the person that sat across my best friend and said, “I know you love him. But is that enough to take you through a lifetime?”

Valentine’s Day is the day I dread every year. The big day of love. I don’t have someone buying me roses 365 days of the year. But somehow it stings only once. I had a million ideas about what to post. I considered the power of being single as a very realistic topic but in all honesty, I would have been writing a bucket load of crap, even according to me.

So I looked around trying to find inspiration to write something. Anything. I was going through Pinterest, WeHeartIt and had finally gotten on to Tumblr when this feeling hit me. After three hours of scrolling through images, I turned to my left. The view put an unknowing smile on my face and I cannot begin to explain the number of times I’ve felt this way.

Love. It’s what I feel every time I look at him. It’s what he feels when I walk through the door after a long day of work. It’s the smile on my face at the sight of him curled up near me.

I almost hate him at times. He drives me so crazy. I am a cleanliness freak and he has a way of messing up everything. He puts a stink in my room that I can never get rid of. He fights with me over the simplest of things. He irritates me by never striking a pose as I try to take a picture with him. He has so much energy one day and refuses to get out of bed the next.

And yet, when I’m at work, I find myself wondering what he’s doing at that very moment. I feel the need to come home and tell him I missed him like a crazy person. I’m sure he doesn’t understand the words. He doesn’t understand what I’m trying to tell him. But he knows I’m there and I’m going to stay there.

It’s not always easy. It’s not always kisses and hugs. But that’s what makes this so amazingly perfect. The fact that I could screw up and he will not judge me. The fact that he can create a completely ridiculous mess and I will still love him.

I lived my entire life believing this is how relationships are made.

They’re not easy. They’re delicate and dainty. You have to handle them with care. You have to treat it with importance and patience. You have to believe that everything can be worked out.

Because the world will never stop rushing to find the next BIG thing. But you have to remind yourself to stop. Breathe. And take in the moment. Because these moments are the ones we forget easily. These are the ones we won’t remember when sitting around a crowd and laughing it off years later.

But this moment, when I turned left and I saw him curled up next to me, this is the moment I will miss when I’m sitting by myself on a warm Sunday afternoon.

This is the moment I will wish for on my worst day.

Because this is the secret to the perfect relationship. This is what gets us through a difficult phase. This moment when you realize that the world can run if it wants, but you just want to plant your feet on the ground and take the view in.

The best time of your relationship isn’t the one on the video or the photo. It’s not the one you remember by a ring or a souvenir. It’s not the one where you’re surrounded by a flashmob.

The best moment of your relationships is the one that only you’ll know. That only you’ll see..

Dala

Thank You, My Love

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I remember the first conversation. I was my awkward self and your charming way with words made me smile. I called you two days later. I was upset. I wanted you to make me smile. You made me giggle like a child. It was a surprising sound in a rather dull moment of life.

You told me about the girl you were in love with. The one who broke your heart. I found myself grimacing. Wishing I could hold you close and tell you she didn’t deserve you. I wanted to tell you I’d gotten through it and you will too. But I didn’t. I didn’t want you to know about the guy who broke my heart. The guy who made me feel like I didn’t matter. I didn’t want you to ever think of me with someone else.

I’d spent two years learning to find comfort in being myself. But you made me want to be better. I wanted to be someone that was worthy of someone like you. I watched what I did. Who I spoke to. How I behaved.  I didn’t understand why, but the most important part of my day was the moment you answered your phone. My days were a blur as I counted down hours until I could talk to you.

When you laughed at something I said, my heart would melt. I made you laugh. That was such a high to me. I liked the sound of your laugh. I liked that I could make you happy. I wanted to. The moment you said, “I wanted to do something else with my life,” I couldn’t stop thinking if it was too late. I wanted you to live your dreams. For at least a day.

We fought. All the time. I know we did. We didn’t agree on very many things. We didn’t want the same things out of life. You were everything I never wanted in someone. But I could’ve done anything for you.

I remember the phone call. The one where you cried about how difficult your relationship felt. I remember silently crying with you. When we hung up, I slammed my head on my bed. I knew it. I knew this feeling. It had trouble written all over it. This was never going to work. But I hadn’t wanted anything more in my entire life.

Maybe.. What if.. Somehow.. you could feel this way too?

A part of me always knew you didn’t. But it didn’t stop me from hoping. Wishing on every star. Believing that it will change with every phone call. My friends thought I was an idiot.

When I told you, you already knew. When you replied, it felt like a thousand waves came crashing over me. I almost hated you for the way you made me feel right then. Almost.

It’s been more than a year since that day. Everything feels so different. I remember spending the 14th of February last year looking out the door every ten minutes. Hoping you would walk in at any moment to tell me what you hadn’t all those days. It was a hope I held on to every time I yelled, every time I cried, every time I dreamt.

Maybe you’ll wake up one day and feel what I do. What an incredible life that would be. I would fight the world to keep you close. To keep you happy.

I was talking to someone today. Someone who didn’t have the strength you did. Someone that said yes knowing he couldn’t give her his everything. And I felt glad.

Because at my weakest moment, when I was a crying mess, I forgot that I deserve someone that feels for me the fierceness of what I feel for that person. But you didn’t. You stuck with your decision. You stayed sane when I lost my mind. You stayed strong when I was vulnerable. It would’ve been so easy to nod your head, but you never did. Not once. And it felt so difficult then.

But I didn’t see what you were doing. I didn’t see the big picture. I didn’t care enough for my emotions. You did.

And for that, for not being that guy,

Thank you, my love.

Rock Bottom

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“We all get stuck there at some point in our lives. You can’t help it. You just have to learn to swim through it. Like in Finding Nemo, ‘Just keep swimming’. It’s the only option.”

When you were a kid, you had a dream. A vision of who you were meant to be. You were too naive to figure out who you were at that moment, but you had a vision for your future – a famous actress, a pilot, a doctor, a model – and as a child, you never knew the struggle it takes to make it to the top. An actress was famous because she was an actress, not because she struggled for years to get there, audition after audition.

I had a million of those visions, changing every other day. But there’s something that stayed constant – I’m going to change something in this world. I’m not meant for a regular job and a regular life. My life has a bigger purpose. I was not born to be normal. There will be something different about me. When I die, someone that isn’t bound to me by blood or marriage will cry their heart out.

This feeling stuck with me for years.

When I read Steve Jobs’ quote – “The ones who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.” – I didn’t just feel inspired. I related. I knew what he meant, I just didn’t know why or how.

The older I got, the more I realized how difficult this path I’m trying to tread might be. But that just motivated me. Everytime someone mocked me, I thought to myself, someday you’ll be sucking up to me. It was an arrogance that I didn’t understand but couldn’t help but possess. Life had probably had enough of it because I finally got a reality check one day.

I was sitting by the window in my parents’ house and I felt it crash through me. Writers often define the feeling of heartbreak as someone shoving a hand inside your ribs and dragging your heart out just so they can rip it apart. But this felt worse. The only change I will ever make in this world is the one to my parents’ bank account as I empty it by living off of them.

I didn’t know how to express what I felt. I was afraid to cry. Afraid that if I let it fall, it’d never stop.

I told someone, “It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do to stop feeling like this. I don’t even know what this feeling is.”

She replied, “We all get stuck there at some point in our lives. You can’t help it. You just have to learn to swim through it. Like in Finding Nemo, ‘Just keep swimming’. It’s the only option.”

I couldn’t take it. I’m not everyone. I can’t just get through it. I was different. How could I have gotten here?!

Six months later, I put up a post – “I Feel Like A Failure”

The day I wrote it, something shifted in me.

For the first time in two years, I felt motivated to change something. So I did. I changed the way I looked at it. I stopped listening to the rest of the world telling me to get through it. I always knew I was different. So why be normal now?

Why sit and wait for something around me to change while telling myself “I’m getting through it”?

Funnily, I still haven’t figured out what the great purpose to my life is. But I’m a lot closer to figuring it out than I was.

Because here’s the thing about hitting rock bottom. There’s only one way out of it..

🙂