Category: Thoughts written out

A Good Deed – No Return Policy

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A long time ago my father told me a story about people who give to others. I was inspired and for my birthday, I gave sweets and food to the homeless. It was something I felt so good about for years. And then I stumbled upon Season 5 Episode 4 of F.R.I.EN.D.S. In that episode, “Evil Genius” Joey Tribbiani makes a general assumption / statement –

“There is no unselfish good deed. Selfless good deeds don’t exist.”

Phoebe spends the entire episode trying to prove him wrong and fails, miserably. Now I can begin to argue about how a mother cares for her child selflessly or how a dog loves his owner selflessly. But I’d like to take this statement away from people bound to you by love.

No matter what good deed you do, you almost always benefit from it. It doesn’t have to be in the form of a top of the line Porsche or a penthouse over looking the skyline in New York City. It is that moment when you’re sitting by yourself at home, reflecting at memories and you smile because you feel good or happy about something you did for someone. That is when you’ve reaped all benefits of your good deed and it stops being unselfish.

I wanted to prove this wrong. Maybe, just maybe, there was a good deed with nothing to offer in return. So I spent a very long time trying to come up with one thing that would make an unselfish good deed. Donating clothes and food, helping people stuck in disasters, helping the elderly – no matter what I came up with, I always felt good about it. Even if I tried not to. So what is a good deed? 

I remembered a quote my father told me when I was a child, “A good deed is not donating $1 out of your $1 Million. It’s taking $10 for your own needs and giving away the rest for others’ needs. That’s when you’ve done a genuine good deed.” Is that it? Giving away everything you have and keeping just enough for your needs? 

But needs differ with every person. So what if I want $1 Million to fit my needs? Then is it a good deed if I don’t donate anything at all? Or am I just unbelievably selfish because seriously, do you know what someone in the slums in my city could do with $100 ?! Let alone a million !

But then, there are Gurus. Saints. They give away knowledge, blessings and good fortune without expecting anything. They don’t feel good about it nor do they wish they could have kept it for themselves. So should one turn into something like that to be able to do a good deed without getting something in return? Let’s be honest, that’s not going to happen in the near future. So what is it then?

After watching that episode, for a while there, I gave up on good deeds. I mean, if anything good is automatically selfish, why bother?! The last thing I want is to think of myself as a selfish person. 

I still remember the day I found a person that did something so unselfish and yet so good. It was raining cats and dogs and I was standing outside of university waiting for the shuttle when a woman in her mid-40’s suddenly held an umbrella above my head. She was getting drenched and still she tried to keep me dry. When I tried to explain to her how unfair it all was, she simply said “I don’t go to work. I can get sick. You have to come to school. You have to stay healthy. Keep your laptop safe. It’s ok. Your shuttle will be here soon and then I’ll go.” My hands were full so I couldn’t even hold the umbrella and so she held it for me. She just stood there for almost five minutes waiting for me to leave and then she left. I cried about it when I got home. 

She didn’t know me. She didn’t know if I’d just gotten expelled and didn’t have school the next day. She didn’t know if my laptop was already broken and hence shoved in my bag. She didn’t love me like a mother. She wasn’t faithful to me like my dog. She just did what she felt like doing. And it was the most unselfish good deed I had ever witnessed. The most important thing about it was that she wasn’t going to rush home and post on Facebook – “Held umbrella for university girl. Got drenched. Worth it.”

There is an Arabic proverb that says – A good deed vanishes once spoken about. 

Because really,

You don’t have to give away your million dollars. You don’t have to donate all your clothes or your food. Just like you don’t have to boast to people you don’t even know that well on social networks about how you helped a blind man cross the street. Sometimes, a good deed is sharing an umbrella, giving away the extra cookie or maybe even commenting “get well soon” on a blog post. So Thank you for all such comments on my previous blog. 

And also, dear Joey Tribbiani,

There is no such thing as a selfish good deed. I’ve realized that doing a good deed – it’s not about me. A good deed doesn’t care whether I feel good about it or I feel shitty about it. A good deed in its true meaning is – even if I feel like absolute crap about it, I do it because someone else benefits from it. It makes someone else’s life a little better. And if along with it, my day is made, I say “oh well !” 🙂

 

 

Trust in Time

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Timing of Your Life

Let me begin by saying, Happy Independence Day / Weekend to every Indian out there..

My grandmother was here to visit a few days ago and in the middle of a normal conversation, she suddenly turned to me and asked, “Do you want to get married? There’s a boy looking for a bride.” My face was probably a comic strip with shock, fear and absolute horror. “Of course not. I’m so young !”

Note : Born into a culture that encourages arranged marriages, I am blessed with parents who would happily nod their head should I bring a man I love and ask for permission. However, I choose to get into an arranged marriage for two very important reasons.

1. I honestly believe that my parents know me better than I do. Also, I’ve given them the checklist. So now it’s their problem you see..

2. There is a certain quality that I am drawn to in men. It is a quality every guy I fall for or date possesses. That specific quality is called – Mentally Unstable. I don’t think it is fair that my future generations should suffer for my bad choices.

Anyway..

Turns out, I’m not that young. In fact, my dad promises that this might just be the first of many such proposals that people from different social groups will bring to the table in the near future. This is also a warning – The timer is officially on.

And with every tick-tock I can feel the future, I dreamed about as a teenager, inch closer and closer. It is no longer “When I’m older, I will..” It’s along the lines of – “Now it’s time to..”

I can deny it, I can run from it or I can accept it. The one thing I cannot do is turn back time or make it stop.

We all have these lists of things-to-do. Not particularly a bucket list but just certain things we want to do before we reach a certain point in our lives. I have a list of things to do before I get married :

  • Write a book – I don’t have to publish it, but I have to finish writing it.
  • Read every book on my list – I will be sure to post the list later.
  • Travel alone.
  • Go hiking in North India.
  • Visit as many religious places as possible – Not as a spiritual person but from an artist’s point of view to absorb the architectural marvel that people in ancient times with no modern technology were able to achieve.
  • Learn to cook.
  • Invent a recipe and master it.
  • Get rid of any addiction.

By addiction I do not always mean drug abuse or being an alcoholic. There are simple things in life that we get so used to, we forget what it feels like to live without it. I found the one thing I spend 14 hours a day on – Facebook.

On any given day, if someone had asked me to delete my Facebook account, I would have laughed and said no. But this time, I voluntarily did that and I cannot explain how ridiculous I felt when the first night without it I felt so insecure because I did not know what the world was doing. I felt a little ashamed that my life had come to that.

I have chosen to adapt a healthier lifestyle – It is not enough if your mind desires a hiking trip. Your body has to agree too.

Someone from the outside may say that these are small changes, but in my life, these are mighty and I wonder..

If you read my previous blog, I mentioned that someone was hospitalized. If that hadn’t happened, my grandmother would not have visited me on that particular day which automatically means she would not have mentioned a groom on the looks and I would not have gotten a one hour lecture on how the future is here. My Facebook account would still be intact and I would still be addicted and insane.

Everything happens at a certain time and everything happens for a reason. The one week I spent walking through hospitals made me realize I’m getting older. My grandmother’s question made me want to act on that realization and I don’t care how childish this sounds – I am proud to have taken those baby steps towards the things I want. And I hate to accept just how peaceful I feel knowing that I’m working towards my goals.

We don’t always get to choose what happens, when. We have all cursed time at some point in our lives. On Independence Day, my grandmother turned 79 and I cursed time for aging her too fast. I cursed time for taking away the years I spent with her and turning it into mere memories. I thanked time for not slowing down and letting me grow up when she looked at me with so much pride and said “My granddaughter bought me a birthday dress with her money !” Time is our worst enemy when we’re happy and our best friend when we’re upset. Time is the only thing we cannot control. It hurts and it heals. Whether you’re a billionaire or a homeless person, time does not sway and only gives you 24 hours in a day. Time is the only thing that treats us all as equals. And when you think about it, time is all you have to do anything in this world.

Trust in the timing of your life..

A Reason for Responsibility

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This has been a trying week to say the least. I’m not going to bore you with details but to put it in simple words, every outfit I’ve worn in the past seven days stinks of hospitals and Critical Care Units. I have come to the realization that within every family dynamic there is one brave human that thinks with logic when the others succumb to emotions. It isn’t always the oldest or the strongest. It can be the grandfather, the mother, the daughter, anyone really. In my family, fortunately/unfortunately, it is me.

I say unfortunately because the older I get, the bigger the problems get and it is very difficult to put on a brave face when my emotions are begging to be let out. I say fortunately because when I do cry, I’d like to be left alone without someone constantly nagging me, telling me everything will be ok and this way, I get to go home, shut my door and cry peacefully.

We have all been told at some point “Take some responsibility.” So many of us have sat through hours of story-telling where our parents or grandparents explain how ‘when they were our age’ they used to do so much and the kids these days ‘are always beeping on that thing’. While some smart people understand the reason behind those words the very first time it is said, people like me have to go through certain bad experiences to realize it.

Type the words “parents growing old” on Google images and you will see this quote in 8 of 10 pictures :

“Love and appreciate your parents. We are so busy growing up that we often forget, they are also growing old.”

The reason a parent asks you to be responsible or to do things around the house is not because they want you to learn to do your chores or because they want to make sure you’re doing something. It’s simply because their ability to do everything is slow fading away. What they really need is your help and they don’t want to put it in those words. When a parent asks for help, we tend to get a little worried about why they cannot do something and they want to avoid that. Because what they understand that we don’t is that – Life, it is a circle. What your mother or father did for you as a child is exactly what they end up needing eventually. They try to put it off for as long as they can and let you lead a normal life.

I never saw it that way. I always believed my mother was trying to train me so she can get me married. That she was simply trying to get me off of my computer. She hates that I’m always on the internet.  My father wants me to do some work or the other. He never lets me do what I want. Always at his beck and call. Oh, they just cannot let me sit down for just a few minutes ! – All they were doing is asking for help but never putting it in quite those words. The inability to accept what was once a piece of cake was now starting to become very difficult. The feeling of not wanting to say it out loud.

Though they do this for our well-being and for our emotions, a lot of bad tags along with it. Either we never learn the reason for us to be responsible or it comes and lands on us like a ton of bricks. We suddenly realize that they’re old. They can no longer drive all night, eat what they want and have fun like they used to. The time spent laughing away and lifting you on their shoulders is now time spent eating tablets and struggling to do simple tasks around the house.

I know it is not an easy realization but the sooner we understand this, the better it is. The last thing we want to be doing is to sit around years from now and wish that maybe we’d noticed sooner. Maybe we’d helped more. Maybe we’d fought less. Maybe we’d laughed more. Maybe we’d told them how much we love them. Maybe they could still be here..

To every parent, everywhere.

With gratefulness and love.

 

 

A Person Behind The Face

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I am one of the most impatient people I have ever seen. I do not do well with crowds, long lines and people who stand at the cashier for hours and still cannot decide what they want. I especially hate when I have to listen to the same thing or answer the same question for the millionth time. “I already answered it. It’s over. Asking me about it every other day will not change what I’ve said.”

There is absolutely nothing that tests your patience more than the service industry. Incompetent staff, forever on-hold call centers and gossiping employees. It is always a struggle to not yell at a person who cannot do the one job he/she is paid to do. 

I recently went to a store and it was still pretty early in the morning. This staff member walked up to my dad and offered to help – it’s his job. We were probably his first customers for the day and when my dad asked him something and he gave an answer that hinted at an alternative suggestion, my dad snapped. This bothered me.

The lady at the cash register has been paid by a beauty products company to mention two of their products to every customer. So right before she takes money from us, she has to ask “Would you like this deodorant? This cream?” It is her duty. My sister gave her an irritated look and said “No. Just bill this. That’s enough.” It wasn’t nice.

A friend of mine had a problem with his internet connection. He called the person at the call center and screamed over the phone for not giving him the perfect solution. The problem was that the man sitting on the other line was not an engineer and had no idea what to do to get the internet to work again. They have a list of solutions written on a computer screen and if it’s a different problem, they don’t know what to do. This is common knowledge.

These are three instances that have happened over the past month. Three instances that I look down upon. Yes, the man at the store is paid to please my dad. But his day was just starting and the least we could do was not ruin it already. When you start your day by getting yelled at, it really puts you off. 

My sister and I were shopping and I had gotten my things just a few minutes before her. The woman who stood in front of me was there for twenty minutes trying to figure out if she wanted to pick the brown hair clip or the black hair clip. I looked at her and said, “Could you please go stand in the side, decide and come back? You’re holding up the line.” Because it wasn’t the cashier’s fault. The cashier gets paid to stand there and smile at even the most irritating of customers. She can’t tell the woman to walk away. It is not ok to be shouting at that cashier for doing her job.

We often let money cloud our judgement. “I pay the bill, they better treat me like I deserve to be treated.” We forget that the face you see has a person behind it. A person that hurts when you scream at them first thing in the morning. A person who has to repeat the same question about the same products to every customer and get irritated looks just so she/he can make ends meet. 

Someone sent me a private message criticizing my blog recently. It upset me. If she didn’t have something nice to say, she shouldn’t say anything. There is a difference between creative criticism and being mean.

Always remember, money or not, no matter which side of the cash register you’re standing in, you both bleed the same when poked. Yelling over the phone just because you can and writing mean comments because you don’t love it is not healthy or nice. Give out a smile. A genuine one. Don’t feel like it? At least don’t frown.

The best mantra to live by – Never treat someone the way you wouldn’t want to be treated. 

And never justify it with “I’m great ! I have money ! If people like me didn’t buy things, she/he wouldn’t have a  job !”

If people like them didn’t exist, you wouldn’t have someone to yell at. 

It doesn’t matter whether the person on the other side of the computer screen, phone or register is the most stupidest person on the planet, their emotions are still valid. Just like yours.

Memories Made vs. Selfies Snapped

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Recently, my family and I went out for dinner with one of my cousins who was visiting. We had so much fun and we were laughing like a bunch of idiots when for a second there I wanted to pick out my phone and take a selfie of us to remember this moment. But then I stopped and I am so glad I did.

Selfies are a rage. The word was temporarily termed as a “mental disorder” by a few websites. Everywhere you go, everything you do, it’s “Selfie time !” My sister’s biggest regret is that her phone does not have a front facing camera. The need to look perfect for every occasion has gone up by a million. Kids that used to say “Ugh ! Family gatherings ! Boorinnnggg,” now eagerly dress up because “We can take lots of selfies!” 

I am just as self-obsessed as the next girl, so I am not going to point fingers and act like I’m any different. But on that particular day, I learnt something. It might not change me permanently, but it did make a dent in how I reacted at circumstances like that.

Someone I know was talking to me about weddings recently. She said “We have to get married early in life. Late marriage isn’t always the best choice.” I agreed. Some times, some people get used to being alone so much, that the later they get married, the more difficult it becomes for them to re-adjust to living with someone. This person is quite independent. So I presumed that’s what she meant and I admired that she had noticed that about herself. Until, less than a minute later, she said, “Yeah. The older you get the more old your face looks. It won’t look good in photographs.” 

*Abruptly screeching to a stop sound in my brains*

Wait, what ?! Have we really gotten to that now? That you would get married early not because it’s better for the relationship but because it’s better for the photos? I even asked her this and she just nodded. 

When I stopped myself from picking up my phone to click a selfie with my cousin, the jokes continued and the night ended up being one of the best times we’ve ever spent. Had I picked up that phone, the topic would’ve changed and become all about “Oh wait. I have to fix my hair” or “I’m smiling weird. Let’s take one more.” 

When I thought about it, almost all my memories over the past year have been “OMG, so we tried to take selfies, it was so funny. It was the best time ever !!” It makes me feel extremely lame. It was sad enough when I realized that none of my friends from school, that I now call “best friends,” would’ve stayed so close to me without social media. And now, I have been sucked into a world of needing approval from a third person by posting the “perfect selfie” for “as many likes as possible.” 

Some day, I’m going to exchange that phone or this computer. I’m going to want to move the data from it. How am I going to make space for 20 selfies a day over the past three years in addition to an extra 100 on every special occasion and still have enough space for important data and other new things that I might add in the future?!

Surely we all have more things to worry about than “I look like crap today selfies” and if you don’t have anything to worry about, I advise you to turn on the news and worry about things like Gaza & Palestine or the missing flights. 

Make memories by having fun in a no-technology kind of way. Go out and reminisce about childhood memories. How many of us have whined about wanting to go back in time and be a kid again? Maybe it’s time to realize that the reason we had so much fun was because it was board games, cards, video games (I realize that IS technology but it was just different) or spending time outdoors with hide and go seek, hopscotch and statue. And no, you’re never too old for games like that. Giggle, throw your head back and laugh until there’s no sound and just tears.

Because here’s the life lesson I’ve learnt this month..

Sometimes, the best memories are made not in pictures, but in your heart. 

 

Rebound To Avoid Relapse

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It was last year, around this time, that I became close to a guy who was two years my senior in high school.  Let’s call him Mr. Almost. We had been acquaintances for a long time and as we began to talk more, we became very good friends. We began to share stupid jokes and he was just so nice. In my so depressed state, he made me laugh. He made me giggle like a child. And I fell for him. The head over heels, I have no idea what to do with my life if I don’t spend it with him every waking minute kind of emotions.

He always hinted at a liking but there were never any promises or sure signs. He knew though. He knew how I felt about him and he always kept me on the fence. I have had days when someone would ask me out and I wouldn’t know if I should say yes because he made me feel like I didn’t have the permission to date someone else. Like I had to wait for him. So I did. For almost an entire year I did.

Have you been through a tough break-up? Where you believed that person was The One and your search had ended, only to have the relationship turn sour eventually? That affects you a lot and it takes a very long time to move on from something that strong. To say, “Yes. I’m ready to date someone new now.” I was healing from a bad break up when I met someone in university that I thought was a good person to be with. Somehow, I was very happy but it always felt like he was incredibly troubled the entire time we were together. It only lasted a few weeks.

I always wondered why he was so frustrated. I figured it out recently. He was my rebound.

For all you hopeless romantics out there that believe in rescuing a person from their heartbreak and saying, “Oh. You’re going through a break up? Let me help you. I’ll be perfect for you.” I’d like to give you a heads-up on being someone’s rebound.

Here’s the thing about a rebound relationship – The person going through the rebound always rises by drowning the other person. You are helping someone get rid of their hurt by letting them lay it all on you. And I can promise you, there are less than 10% rebound relationships that actually work once the person stops hurting.

I never knew what I did to the poor guy when I went through rebound until I was on the receiving end. Today, I have drowned. I get to watch my Mr. Almost laugh and be happy in pictures and so much of me is so happy for him but I cannot erase or push away that tiny voice that wishes I was in the pictures with him laughing it away than watching it from the outside.

It’s been almost two months since I talked to him. I’d like to believe that it is getting easier with time. I don’t blame him. It was my call put a stop to it. He was better, he was seeing things clearly and I could feel him pull away and I am definitely one of those people that would rather end it than be ended with. But I still have days when all I want to do is pick up the phone and call. I have to stop myself every time and remind myself why it is a bad idea. I have to remind myself of all the emotional turmoil I will go through if I make that call.

I honestly wish I could have come up with a better blog post today but my mind is just so occupied with him. I promise to have a better post next week. It’s difficult to come up with incredible posts when you feel like you’re being pulled down by an anchor of some sort.

When you’re going through a break up, you feel the need to be validated. You need to know that you’re worth loving and caring for. That’s why the rebound relationships happen. The other person gushes over you, loves you and cares for you and it is why they end up hurting in the end. Like the old saying..

“Nothing so easy as catching a heart on the rebound.”

– Mary Russel Mitford, 1830

Nothing so difficult as letting it go..

 

Your Advertisement Tells Me I’m Ugly

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I always told myself, one day I’ll start a campaign against this. If not for me, for those who might watch these ads and convince themselves that they are ugly without it.

Have you ever seen the ads that say,

 “Use this to have long and luscious lashes.”

“Erase away the black spots and pimples that  make you not want to show your face.”

“Smell like a goddess, he’ll be all over you.”

“This lip color, it’ll make you look very very sexy.”

I read such things and I think to myself, ‘So you’re telling me that without all this, no man would want me? That when I get a zit, if I don’t erase it, I shouldn’t show my face out in the world even though it is something that is unbelievably natural and happens to almost every human being on the planet?’

Spending millions of dollars for these unrealistic versions of beauty created with a team of artists and designers that photoshop every part of the person’s face and airbrush it until it looks utterly flawless to convince me that unless I buy that product my face will look ugly with black spots, zits and freckles – I’ll be the first to say I’ve never seen a beauty product advertisement that works on boosting your self-esteem because if you feel pretty without it, they don’t have a market to sell to.

When I asked someone to define beauty advertisements, she gave me one word. “Deceptive.” Oh how I wish I could disagree.. not really.

I’ll be very honest here. I’ve been bitten. I use make-up almost on an everyday basis. But I still have those moments when I look in the mirror and think, ‘Is there a chance that I look better without it? More me?‘ Then I go back to using it because I have bought into the fact that maybe my lashes are too short, my eyes are too deep set and my lips are not luscious. How will the man I love, love me back if I don’t look like the model he gazes at on the cover of the magazine in the newsstand on the road side store on his way to work every morning ?!

Her skin is smooth, her hair so shiny and her eyes so sparkly. I want to wear what she’s wearing so maybe I can look a bit like her and he will see in me what he sees in her. But do I ever stop long enough to notice that he sees in her a woman he wants for a night while I want to be the woman he holds for life? No, because the colored eye liner, the perfect eye palette and the spf180 lip balm have occupied every little part of my brain exactly the way the person who put that perfectly altered photograph of the woman on that cover wanted it to and I have lost control over feeling like I need to get rid of those dark circles that are there from working all night, feeling the need to never have a dry skin moment and oh, have I mentioned the setting spray that gave me a face allergy ?!

Don’t even get me started on the sales assistant who stops me at the shampoo aisle and says “Ma’am, some moisturizers? Dry skin cream?” and I start to feel incredibly self-conscious, wondering if my face looks too dry and she’s pointing it out. Then I get sucked in with three different products and a face wash that I do not use.

Then the “fairness” and “whitening” advertisements. Oh nobody cares, nobody looks at her, nobody gave her a job. Then she uses the product for a few weeks and OMG ! She’s so hot, she’s so pretty and everybody wants to give her the job ! Can we stop for a moment and re-think the stupidity of that ad? If you can only get your life going if your skin is white, President Obama would not have won. Twice.

I used to be that kid that hated the word make-up. Now, I have more products than anyone else in my family. So, give me the opportunity to be over dramatic and say, “It’s too late for me, but please. Go save yourself !”

Because that man that loves you, he’ll love you no matter what. He’ll find the freckles adorable and understand that pimples are a part of natural beauty. He’ll love you for how he feels with you and not what he sees on you. Honestly, try a first date without any make-up. If he’s The One, he’s going to see you like that more often than not.

That job you want so desperately, it’s yours if you have what it takes. And I do not mean two hundred shades of eye liner and the perfect mascara. If you land a job because the boss finds you attractive, know that sooner than later you’re going to be suing him for physical harassment and at that point, don’t tell me it was shocking. You and I both knew it was coming.

Advertising a product is very important. I’m a mass communication student, I can understand it. But making me feel so bad about myself so you can make more money to create more products for which you will make more ads that will make me feel even worse, now that should be a crime.

I have one last thing to say to you, the one who’s reading this. You are absolutely stunningly beautiful just the way you are. I promise. Keep your beautiful heart and you’ll never have an ugly day in your life.

My Body, My Rules

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I went out with my father and we stopped to get some groceries. Due to lack of parking space, he stayed back in the car. After buying the things I needed, while at the billing line, an old man came and stood behind me. The first time I felt it, I moved a step ahead believing it to be a mistake. The second time, I had my doubts and the third time, I felt disgusted.

I assume there are a minimum of 100 women that are groped on public transport everyday, just in my city. With almost every complaint, there comes a statement

“What did you do that provoked the man to touch you inappropriately?”

Every time I hear that question, I want to scream “Yeah, she walked up to him, smiled and told him she wants to get a room and so he touched her and she’s an idiot for standing here and complaining !” Am I the only person that finds that question so insanely ridiculous?

There was a recent article I read about rapes and a woman had commented “Women shouldn’t be told how to dress. Men should be taught to keep their pants zipped up.” I cannot quite agree with her. It is so easy to argue with that statement and talk about how groping doesn’t mean he has his pants down. Does that make it ok? And also, you’ll be surprised at just how many male rape victims there are in this world. Just because it’s not flashing on the news or being printed in big, bold letters in the front page of the paper, does not make it non-existent.

That old man’s hand brushing against my back made me question myself because for a minute I wondered whether my dress was too tight in the back or something was too flashy. Then I stopped and told myself that it wasn’t my fault that he didn’t have the basic decency or common knowledge that he shouldn’t be touching what belongs to someone else without their permission. Because here’s the thing :

I CAN CHOOSE TO WEAR ABSOLUTELY NOTHING BUT MY UNDERWEAR AND WALK AROUND TOWN AND YOU STILL CANNOT TOUCH ME BECAUSE IT IS MY BODY. HEAR ME LOUD AND CLEAR WHEN I SAY, MY BODY ! NO MATTER HOW APPEALING OR UNAPPEALING IT LOOKS, IT BELONGS TO ME AND THERE IS NO EXCUSE YOU CAN GIVE FOR TOUCHING IT WITHOUT MY PERMISSION.

No man or woman would like for me to walk into their house and randomly throw their stuff and break their valuable things and say “Oh well” and walk out. My body is valuable to me. You cannot touch it, feel it or use it without my permission and when you do that and the world finds a reason to blame me for it, I find it ridiculous, absurd and unacceptable !

I keep thinking, what if instead of the old man trying to feel up a girl who is young enough to be his great granddaughter, we both stood in line and I just turned around and slapped him and said ‘Well, your face was annoying me. I needed to hurt it.’ ?!

I’m pretty sure the store would have thrown me out, the general public would have cursed me, cooed to the old man and told him I was a bitch. A gentleman in the corner might even call the cops. “How could you hurt someone for no reason?” But when he did what he did, the woman in the next counter just looked and turned her head away like nothing was happening. Here’s the thing. Even if I’d hit him till he bled, the physical scar would have faded but when someone violates you in a very personal way, the mental scar they leave stays with you.

We have gotten to a point where, when you read “Rape” on the newspaper, you say “Oh again” and turn to the next page. It is so common because the abusers and rapists are never fully blamed. There’s always that small part that questions what the victim did to deserve it. The victims hide their faces in shame and some of them never tell anyone about it in fear of the humiliation they might face through all the nonsense questions.

There are still places in this world where the people around the rape victim say “How will you ever show your face to the world again? You must be so ashamed.” To those people I’d like to say, FUCK YOU ! Not just for being so stupid but for killing any courage that poor human being might have when it wasn’t her or his fault and the one who should be ashamed is walking around like nothing ever happened because of people like you.

To the idiots that say “Yeah, a lot of people get groped on public transport. You have to live with it,” you are empowering the criminals and letting them get away with crimes such as stealing (a person’s feeling of safety), trespassing (a person’s private, personal space), hurting (a person’s emotions) and killing (a person’s self-respect). I think, you, dear asshole, are more to blame than the rapists and gropers.

Once we got home from the store, I told my dad what happened and he looked at me and said, “The next time someone does that, turn around and scream. Don’t let him get away with something like this. These are the people that slowly grow confident that the person on the receiving end isn’t reacting and will someday end up raping some innocent girl that goes his way.”

I couldn’t agree more. Stop their behavior when you still can. Teach the douchebags a lesson they won’t forget. One doesn’t have to be raped to feel violated. Even a brushing hand in a crowded bus feels like a blow to one’s emotions and feeling of security. Scream, shout and drag him to the cops. If someone questions you about how you provoked the groper/rapist, shove their name in there too. Let them all sit together and learn how to respect an individual.

Because the world might find a million reasons to blame you for it or tell you you’ll get over it, but at the end of the day, it’s YOUR BODY, YOUR RULES. 

Someone Cares

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Like almost everyone, I went through the typical teenage phase – “nobody cares about me.” But unlike most people, that didn’t stick long because I realized that there was someone out there, who didn’t know me, that was risking their life for me.

Do you know that feeling you get when you think about someone and you smile because even if you lose everything you’ve got – your money, your looks, your memory, even – they will always care, no matter what? That’s the feeling I got and it’s a feeling I’ve carried with me through all these years.

This person, is possibly the most selfless person you’ll meet. Though his family suffers and is in utter turmoil more times than normal, he will still give up everything to give you the life you live. He might even have to leave his innocent new born so you can have a roof over your head and food to eat.

I knew a teenager about six years ago. She was just like everyone else. “The world doesn’t care. My parents don’t care. Nobody cares. My life is a mess. I have nobody.” And then one day, a YouTube video changed that. It changed the way she connected with other whiney teenage girls like her. The nobody cares turned into a “how dare you say nobody cares?”

The video was .. “Dad’s Homecoming.”

An innocent middle schooler was sitting in class when his father walks in and the kid just bawled his eyes out. He was seeing his father for the first time in three years. Because the father was too busy protecting the nation so people he didn’t know can get up and go to work without having to worry about the safety of their lives. A wife somewhere had to cope like a single parent so her husband could help some kid somewhere without the kid having to worry about his/her life and just focus on learning colors. A girl somewhere has gotten through prom, graduation, university without her father being there for any special moment just so some other girl can have the opportunity to do so without getting killed.

That video changed the way she looked at life. Somebody out there cared. He didn’t know her, he didn’t know what she did, he didn’t know her flaws and most of all, he didn’t care. He was willing to give his life to keep someone like her safe. If that isn’t care, she didn’t know what was.

That teenager was me.

There are more videos like that than you can imagine. Every one of those will bring you to tears. The sacrifice those people do is beyond me. Since then, every time I feel like nobody cares, I think of this person. This person who left his family, who left his “safe” life to go risk his life just so I can peacefully sit here and write about this.

Imagine living a life where you wake up everyday fearing that maybe your father / husband / friend / son / fiancé / brother will come home in a box, dead and cold. Having to record every moment of your child’s life in hope that someday you might be able to show it to them should they come back alive.

I am thankful to those innocent people, men and women, who give up everything they have to give me everything I have. For their struggle, for their strength and for the lost lives. Most importantly, Thank You for the care.

 

My Best Friend – A Superhero

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“The monsters are gone.”
“Really?” Doubtful.
“I killed the monsters. That’s what fathers do.” 
― Fiona Wallace

I’ve come across different kinds of fathers. The stingy one, the overly obsessive, the over protective, the non-stop traveller, the man buried in money, the playful one, the furious one, the perfectionist..

I’ve read stories of fathers who kill their daughters because she divorced her abusive husband. I’ve read stories of fathers who abuse – physically, mentally and sexually abuse – their daughters. I’ve read stories of fathers who died protecting their daughters. Of fathers who live in guilt that they survived a hazard and their children didn’t. Of fathers who would give their world to keep their little ones safe. Of fathers who run away from responsibility. Of fathers who come back from war to see their daughters graduate.  Of fathers who hold their dying child’s hand and tells them he’ll meet them there. Of fathers who warn their daughters’ boyfriend, “Hurt her and I’ll hurt you!”

Like I said, I’ve come across different kinds of fathers. But nobody quite like my best friend.

I could start this off saying “he’s a superhero.” But that would just be the child in me. So let me talk about the man that would give up his world to put a smile on his kids’ faces, the man who doesn’t have the ability to say no, the man who has accepted his kids for who they are even though he comes from a place where any other father in that situation would have looked at their child and said “I’d rather throw you out than call you mine.”

He’s the person that every child dreams of having in their lives. Even during the most difficult of times, he tries to give them everything they want. He works hard is an understatement. He makes every other man in this world not worth it. He supports, understands, loves, cares and most importantly, stands by you.

Like all best friends, we quarrel. We have big arguments and stop talking for a few days. But then we snap out of it because, “come on. You can’t be mad at your best friend!!” I tell him everything. My secrets, my dreams, the comments on my blog that make me smile and most of all, boy troubles. He always understands. When I had my first break-up, he was there for me. When I was half-way across the world crying on the phone because I wanted to come home, he stayed on the line and talked me through it.  Midnight medical emergencies, ligament tears, home sickness and fights with my sister, he’s been there for me through it all.

I’ve heard many childhood stories of mine with him. But I don’t remember much of it. What I do remember is the person that said “Let her have a life and make her mistakes and learn from them.” I remember the care when I had all four of my wisdom teeth taken out at the same time. I remember the tears of joy I had when he gave me a card to congratulate me for the very first money I ever earned. I remember the silly laughter, the perfect movies, the love for popcorn. I remember Hindi movies with subtitles, Drive-in theatre experiences, our first trip alone and the first time he put me on a flight back home all by myself.

I’ve learnt so much from him. I’ve learnt to stand up for what I believe in, I’ve learnt to not settle for anything less than what I deserve, I’ve learnt what unconditional love and care means and he is the reason I learnt to dream, to chase those dreams and to not stop for anyone.

Like all people in this world, time and life pulled us apart a little by little. But even today, when I have news, when I am hyper for no reason, when I am bored, when I find something interesting on Buzzfeed, I rush to him. And even today, he listens and nods his head even if he doesn’t have the time to be doing so.

To my superhero and my best friend,

Happy Father’s Day, Dad.

🙂