I try to explain to her,
“Nothing scares me, nothing at all.
But from the moment I’m awake till the moment my eyes close,
I’m afraid of everything around me.
The things that could go so right and those that will go wrong.”
She laughs. She doesn’t understand. “How could you be so afraid?”
I want to tell her how this works.
I want to show her all my thoughts.
Instead I explain with a lot of words.
“I fly a lot, don’t I? I’ll tell you how this goes.
I’m packing at home. I’m terrified of leaving Mom.
I worry my dogs will die again. This time I won’t be around.
I worry I’ll leave a medicine. I worry I’ll leave my passport.
I worry I’ll miss my flight. I worry of getting caught.”
“Caught for what?” Her cluelessness makes me smile.
“If I knew, I’d be careful. But I don’t.
And that’s just where this all begins.”
She shakes her head with a smirk.
I don’t blame her.
I sound insane, even to myself.
But how else can I explain?
“I’m afraid of sitting next to a stranger.
I’m afraid he’ll be drunk.
I’m afraid the flight will face turbulence.
I’m afraid we won’t reach at all.
I’m afraid our parents will find out.
I’m afraid I might land safe.
I’m afraid that I won’t have a place to stay.
I know I booked that great space,
But what if it’s a scam? What if they had issues?
What if I’ve lost our money on something that doesn’t exist?
What if my trip sucks?
What if I get mugged?
What if you find me dead?
My life revolves around a series of what-ifs
And I’m at a point where I don’t know how to tell
If what I’m feeling is an instinct or just plain ol’ anxious.”
“You sound stupid. You should be like me.
Not a care in the world. Things will happen as they should.”
I want to tell her that’s my biggest fear.
“What if it all goes wrong and I can’t stop it?
It’s out of control and my life goes to shit?
How will I survive in the middle of chaos?”
I hear his words from a recent memory,
“You can do this, darling. I believe in you.”
I smile a little.
His words calm my racing heart, if only for a minute.
But then it starts all over again.
And I sit on a train, clenching my fists, holding my tears,
“Oh God, please. Not again.”
She’s lost, yet right next to me.
She has no idea how fast my mind was running
We were headed to sign a contract,
Another thing that makes me cry.
Not just tears rolling down my face
Like a yesteryear actor and a bottle of glycerin.
I cry like a baby does in the middle of the night
Loud, breathless, arms at my side.
Unable to speak,
Unable to move,
Unable to breathe.
I cry hysteria but I sit where I am.
“Because I can’t move.”
“Because it will be the death of me.”
“Me. A dark version of me.
A deep voice inside of me.
I can’t move.”
One hand on my chest, I remain as I am.
Waiting for it to end.
Waiting to breathe again.
“Until the next time
I go through it all over again.”
She tells me she doesn’t understand.
I’m now afraid to explain.