You. Yes, you. The one with dimples so cute, I knew I was a goner before it even began.
You. The one who made me laugh silly on dark days, I could feel my heart swoon all over again.
You. The one whose voice turned my world upside down. The one who made me realize I’d never felt this way before. The one who had me fall in love like I didn’t know was possible.
Thank you for constantly keeping me on the edge.
I was the girl you wanted to talk to. But never those three words.
I was the girl you wanted to kiss. But not the one you wanted to hold.
I was the girl you drunk dialled at midnight. And the girl you pretended to not know when the sun shined.
Thank you for not nodding your head when I cried my heart out.
You see, it would have been so easy. If you’d said yes. Your life would have been easy. Because I would have done everything I could to make sure it was. I would have stood by you during your pitfalls. Your tears made me cry. Your laughter brought me joy. You were the centre of my universe. You always would have been.
And I would have been so lost in my love for you that I would have never noticed. I would have never noticed that anger you often can’t control. I would have never noticed the way you knowingly speak hurtful words. I would have never noticed that opinion you had of me when I wasn’t around. I would have never noticed the way I’d given it all up for nothing in return.
And when I did, it would have been worse.
I know you don’t get it. You think this is a hate letter. You think I’m sore and angry. But here’s what you never noticed about me.
I’m not that girl.
I don’t spread rumors about the boy who broke my heart. I don’t make snarky remarks just because he does. I don’t bitch about the one I love.
And I will always love.
It won’t be as overpowering as it once was. I’ll move on. With someone who makes me smile by just existing. And I’ll live a life filled with love and chaos with him. But ten years from now, if you decide to make me your one phone call, I swear I’ll come bail you out.
Because, contrary to what you so strongly believe, love isn’t an on and off switch. You don’t just fall out of love and go on like those emotions never existed. It’s always there. In the bottom of your heart. Buried under a lot of hurt and broken pieces. And I have learnt to live with that. I have learnt to dust off those extra shards of glass and pull my chin up. I have learnt to wipe my tears and make myself smile. I have learnt to love but know when to hold back. And I learnt all that without you. I learnt all that because of you.
And that’s exactly why I deserve better.
So Thank You.
For letting me have the ability to find someone who’ll love me for me. For giving me the time and the space to know who I was in your eyes. For forcing me into knowing how to take care of myself when everything within me is falling apart.
I promise, someday, when I’m sitting on a patio surrounded by my grandkids, I’ll tell them about the guy who showed me what love feels like. And I’ll have a small smile as I remember the first time I found myself wanting to lose myself to that voice. To that laughter. To you.
And that’s who you’ll always be. A far away memory. Because sitting with me and correcting me as I spoke about our story will be the man I once longed for you to be.
Hence, my love,
For not saying “I love you too.”