Tag: Life

Make Sure It’s Worth It

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I make New Year resolutions just like everyone else. I don’t always keep them up just like everyone else. And if you’ve been around for a while, you would’ve noticed my post about how ‘I feel like a failure‘. Though there were so many kind and motivational comments, I felt like something was missing. Something I desperately needed to hear. The last push. I just didn’t know what it was. I wanted to find out before I started 2015.

On Tuesday, I was looking through Pinterest when I came across this picture :

Pinterest quote picture

I fell in love with this. It made sense. Some thing spoke to me on a very deep and emotional level. That was the first time I felt it. Like that missing part had been found. Like life finally made sense. I knew what the future needed to be. And then it happened again the very next day.

If you’ve heard of South Indian cinema, you’ve probably heard of Super Star Rajinikanth. The man has the mass going crazy about the smallest of dialogues and gestures. He makes blockbusters out of nothing. It’s crazy to think, at one point, he was just a bus conductor and was spotted and introduced to the world of cinema by a directorial genius named K. Balachander – commonly known as KB. A director who has made the most brilliant forward-thinking movies, discovered some of the best names in the industry and was an inspiration to anyone with a dream. Unfortunately, the world saw the last of him on a live funeral this Wednesday. The stars and the crowd that gathered and cried for him was visual proof of the kind of man he was. He changed cinema in a way one cannot imagine. But the only thought I had as I saw that legend one last time was this :

We are born from nothing. We end up as nothing. Centuries later, we would be long forgotten. Everything about us would be irrelevant. Today, he is mourned and missed because his life had meaning. He changed the lives of so many. He made stars out of common men. South Indian cinema wouldn’t have been the same without this man. His life’s purpose was to better movies and bring to the spotlight talented people. History will forever hold his name. So what is the purpose of my life?!

This was the second time I felt it. The first time, the picture was a movie theatre. The second time, was the death of a man who made cinema what it is today. Maybe it’s just coincidence. Maybe it was meant to be but KB gave me the spark I needed to move forward.

I will live to, maybe, 60? If not, less. Then I’d be gone. Burnt to ashes and thrown into the ocean. Few generations down, my own family will suffer to remember who “that grandmother’s grandmother” was. This is pretty much half the world. And yet we sit around, we gossip, we surround ourselves with so much negativity, we judge others based on what we see and not what we understand, we spread rumors, we fight, we cry, we get heartbroken and we finally wither away. What is the point of this life?

When you’re breathing your very last, will it matter that you knew her boobs were fake? Will it matter that you were right about the neighbor’s affair? Will it matter that you thought the woman in a sexy dress on the street at midnight was a “total slut” even though she might have just been a mother trying to make some money to feed 4 kids after their father died at war? Or will it matter that you’ve done something worthwhile and brought some happiness to yourself and others around you?

Life isn’t about the success or failures. It’s not about how much money you’ve made or how big your house was. When I die, if there is one person that feels as shattered as the thousands that stood by KB’s corpse, I know I have lived a life worth living.

So this year, I’m not going to make a resolution to lose twenty pounds. I’m not going to tell myself that I can eat healthy all through the year. I’m not going to set unrealistic financial goals so I can take a trip around the world. Here is my 2015 resolution :

This life that I was either blessed or cursed with, I am going to make worth my while. I am going to walk away from negativity and I will surround myself with the ones I love and the ones who love me. I may not be able to change the world, but I can change at least one person’s life for the better and I will. Besides..

New Year 2015

I hope you have an incredible day and year ahead. Happy New Year 2015 ❤

I Feel Like A Failure

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There. I’ve said it. I’ve said the words I’ve been afraid to say for weeks, months now. This is what I feared. This emotion that I do not know how to process. This emotion that I do not know how to rise from. This emotion that I can’t make go away. This emotion that consumes me from the moment I wake up. The one that keeps me from sleeping at night.

We all make plans. Long term plans. I made a five-years’ plan. I was going to graduate university, get a job at an advertising agency and work my way up to one day be the Creative Director. Get my own apartment. Call my mom when I missed her food. Have this life that was so perfect and filled with flaws that were sprinkled all over it like tiny little snowflakes. I was moving forward and there came a point when I could see everything I ever wanted right there in front of me. All I had to do was grab it with both hands and never let go and I almost did. But then..

..The Universe happened.

I can be naive and childish about a lot of things but the very big decisions, I put a lot of thought into and I insist about sleeping on it because I believe you always see things more clearly after a good night’s rest. So that’s what I did. After a lot of thought, I made the decision to drop out, not because it was the right thing to do for myself but because it was the right thing to do for my family. I told myself it was a temporary situation. What I’d forgotten was that my five-years’ plan didn’t have enough wiggle room for that break. Because when I made that plan, I told myself it was all or nothing. I aimed for All. Life gave me Nothing.

In two months, it’ll be two years since my life stood still. When everything around me came to a screeching halt.

I’ve written five versions of this post. Nothing sums up what I’m feeling. I have no words to explain this thin line I’m standing on. This feeling where the smallest of pushes will turn me into a crying mess. I have lived all my life with insecurities that I locked deep inside me and some time over these past few months, they’ve been set free. I avoid conversations. I ignore successful people. I refuse to acknowledge happiness. Not because I’m jealous or negative. But because I long for that. Because it was so close and now it feels like a faraway dream that I might never have. I am the Titanic right after it hit the iceberg. Filled with chaos. Falling apart.

The most success I’ve had today is that I swallowed my tears. I didn’t let myself cry like I wanted to. And that’s not ok. Not by a long shot. This cannot be my life. I have made so many mistakes but the biggest one so far was the moment I let myself sink.

When talking to my father about a potential groom, I always said – “He has to be the kind of person that started his life from scratch. He can have the smallest apartment and we could be saving not more than $10 a month and I will still be proud of him because everything he has came from his hard work. I will remind him everyday that he’s worth it. Because he is all that matters.”

This was the mistake. I had so much encouragement and pride towards someone I’ve never met and yet, I didn’t have it for myself. I didn’t tell myself it’s ok to fall. I didn’t take pride in having the strength to live through that. I didn’t encourage myself enough to want to rise from this and make a life for myself. I didn’t value my life enough to do something about it. I just let myself go.

When I started this post, it was going to end right here. But as I pour these thoughts out, I’m starting to see things with clarity.

And now when I look back, I feel like I’ve paved the way to my own depression and I’m afraid that if I don’t do something about it, this will be the rest of my life.

So this is where I will start. Today, right this moment I take an oath to myself that I’m going to turn this around. I’m going to pick myself up and dust myself off. I’m going to find a Plan B and leave enough wiggle room for a Plan C. My cousin is getting married in March. When that wedding comes, I will not hide behind a fake smile. I will not avoid conversations. I will not find excuses to not go. Because right now…

I feel like a failure. But it’s not who I am and I won’t let it be.

Failure J.K Rowling

Because I’m Happy

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Happiness. That’s the ultimate goal. We all want to be happy. The moment we throw our heads back and laugh without a care for the world. When we cry with joy and sigh with contentment. When everything feels calm. When life feels serene. Sounds so perfect, doesn’t it?

So what does that for you? What makes you happy?

My mother’s friend was planning on sending her son to university in a foreign country. Unfortunate for them, the plan was cancelled last minute and he got stuck here. During a fight about the whole situation, he said “I cannot live here. This place does not make me happy. I need to go there to be happy.”

Do you remember a time in your life when you were so happy that it was undescribable? When nothing you will ever say could sum up what you felt at that very moment? Was it the place? Was it the people? Was it you?

I remember, when I was a kid, my grandmother and I used to play cricket with a plastic bat and ball in the living room. There were only two rules. When I held the bat, everything was a winning hit. When she held the bat, she lost in the first play. I was so happy. It was a tiny house with a living room the size of my current bathroom. We didn’t have a lot of money and we didn’t have a lot of things. It was the happiest time of my life.

I feel like, as we grow up, we begin to feel more miserable by the day. What we feel no longer depends on the people who love us or the moments we have. Our happiness starts being defined by the person sitting next to us. She has an iPad. He has a Ferrari. They have a Phd. His family is bigger. They are more in love than we are. I don’t have those things. My life isn’t like theirs. I have nothing. I don’t feel enough. My house is smaller. My car is older. And I won’t be happy until I get that particular iPhone with the slow motion capture or that fancy car with those amazing speakers. I won’t be happy until I am loved as much as he is.

“You wrecked my happiness by not giving me enough !”

That is not right. I do not agree with the concept that I will only be happy when I have what someone else does too. That I can only be happy when I’m loved like someone else is. It’s not how it works.

I’ve had some very unhappy moments. But they came from within, not from the outside. When I’m upset, I can’t blame the next person for it. I will always have more than someone else and if I don’t know how to use the opportunities presented to me, that’s my fault. There is always someone looking at us and thinking “I want what they have so I can be happy.” Instead of gloating in that feeling, wouldn’t it be nice to set an example ?!

And often, people get the feeling of happy and lonely mixed up. They presume that if you’re lonely, you’re depressed. But that’s not true. You can be so utterly happy and yet feel unbelievably lonely because you don’t have someone to share that happiness with.

We don’t need that man, that woman, that mansion, his car, her earrings, their life – because you can have it all and feel absolutely miserable. You can be sitting on top of the world and be the most unhappiest person on the planet. Take a look at a poverty stricken area in your neighborhood. I will assure you there are more people laughing there than in that of a fancy gated community. They are not happy from the money. They are not happy from the fancy phones or cars that they cannot have. They are happy from within.

Any moment of joy you will ever feel has to come from you. Because I can give you the best of the best but know that with time, something better will come along and you will be exactly where you were all over again.

I’ll say it now and I’ll say it always. Life is shitty. It’s miserable for the most part. There’s always the lack of something or someone. If we want to start picking on all the things that are wrong, we will spend the rest of our lives feeling so irrepairably miserable and depressed. There’s never a moment in your life when something is not right. Find that. Hold on to that little positive thought. And choose to smile. Be happy. Not because it’s what’s expected. Not because you’ve got something someone else doesn’t. Not because you’re loved like no one else is.

Be happy because you can be.

P.A.I.N

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Pain. That’s probably one of the most dreaded words on the planet. Pain. The sound of it makes me cringe. It’s emotional. It’s physical. It can numb you from head to toe and take away your ability to think or act rationally. Pain – that’s the word. But what is it really?

The doctors often say, “Rate the pain you’re feeling from 1 to 10, with 1 being the lowest.” I have never said 10. Because I know nothing I will ever feel is 10. There’s always something worse right around the corner. It’s like education. The older you get, the worse it becomes. But you also understand that everything in the past was just a preparation for the present. And the present is preparing you for the future.

Because pain is evergrowing.

Like the moment you watch your perfect family crumble and fall. Your world stops and you think the worst has happened, only to realize that it is a permanent fall and can never be rebuilt.

Like feeling hope for the first time in years when someone promises not to walk away and watching that hope crash as you sit on your bed, clutching your phone and sobbing silently.

Like giving up on a dream. Giving up on your five year plan for no fault of yours.

Like heartbreak. You think you’ve figured it out after the first time. You understand what it is. You can handle it. And then the second one happens and it’s ten times more than what you could have ever imagined.

Like the very second after you’ve said “I love you” for the first time and the person on the other end pauses. Your hope sinks with every tick on the clock and yet you feel so unprepared for the “Hmm” that you think you heard in a hallucination but was reality.

Like that little eight year old girl sitting on a couch while her aunt called her “a brave kid” and she grinned – a fake grin – to cover up the stab she felt deep inside her. The need to be anywhere but there. To wake up from the nightmare. To have someone tell her that this is not her life, this is not her childhood.

Pain. When you’re four, you think the scratch on your feet is horrible. Then you get bruised and it leaves a scar. Eventually it becomes ligament tears. And then broken bones. One fine day, you’re struggling to get out of bed because every part of your body hurts. Everything feels painful. But it doesn’t mean the world is over. You don’t give up on school because your classes got harder. Like you don’t stop living because the pain got worse. You go on. You learn to put one foot in front of the other and walk it off.

Because sometimes, pain is good.

Pain lets you appreciate happiness. It teaches you the value of those small moments in life. It helps you learn the concept of empathy. It brings people with similar battles together. It gives you wisdom. It makes you stronger. And when looked at right – Pain gives purpose to life. Maybe pain was created, not to sink us, but to let us help others who are going through the same thing. Maybe pain was meant to irk a positivity that I have failed to see for a very long time now. It’s the only thing you can do about pain without creating a more traumatic experience for the people who love you. Maybe that’s why the word exists to explain that emotion.

Maybe PAIN is just an abbreviation of – Positive. Attitude. Is. Necessary.

Maybe that’s why, like positivity, pain cannot be killed. Pain cannot be willed away. Pain cannot be destroyed. Pain cannot be ignored.

“Pain Demands To Be Felt”

– John Green

Inspired by the comment by Ceolittle :

“I was feeling down today kinda lost what the real meaning of life is all about through all the pain”

What You Leave Behind..

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Andy Warhol

We all want to do something significant. We want to leave a part of us behind for everyone else to remember us by. We buy all these things and then we write a will about who’ll get what. That’s the part of us we leave behind for them and they’ll leave behind to their kids and for generations this will be passed around and you will be known as the person to whom it belonged. You will be remembered through that object.

I was at an Andy Warhol exhibit in Singapore a few years ago. I loved the art, the creativity, the small facts I got to learn about him. Spread across many different walls were quotes. His quotes. As a writer, I love reading quotes and thinking about what it might have meant to that person when they said it but when I read this particular quote, I didn’t care. I didn’t care what it meant to him or what he was thinking when he said it because this quote was all about me. It spoke to me in a way that I can’t explain. It was every thought I had ever had about death – My death. Andy Warhol had read my mind before I even existed.

Death is one of the most commonly occuring thought processes in my mind. Last night, right before I drifted off to sleep, I couldn’t stop thinking about the number of people that would be affected should I die that very second. My close family is a given and I can’t stop them from feeling miserable about it but the outsiders. The friends I’ve made and the people I affect. The ones that choose to love me and the ones I presume our affectionate towards me, though I may be wrong. How many of them will actually have a day when they pick up their phones just to realize I’m not alive for them to call? How many will miss me? This was the best thought I have had in a very long time.

I hate to admit this to anyone because it always rubs off the wrong way – I’m a control freak. If something is a certain way, it has to be that way. If you make a plan to meet me, you better show up. Do not call me in the very last minute and say “I can’t make it.” I’ll understand. But I will also be so so annoyed because that just completely wrecked my day. A few years ago my brother and I were supposed to go birthday shopping. He ditched me last minute. Even today, I always call him ten minutes before I leave to ensure he’s going to make it. And it’s difficult to find a friend that is not annoyed by this. Someone who understands and accepts this part of you.

They say a friend is the only person who doesn’t judge you for your choices and sticks with you no matter what and I got to realize exactly who they were in my life last night and I felt bad. Because when I die, I affect some of the kindest people I’ve known. Is that really what I want?

This is why I think suicide is selfish. It’s not cowardly. It’s not stupid. It’s selfish. When a person decides to take his own life, he is only thinking about himself. He is only thinking about ending his misery. He doesn’t stop to think just how many people around him, how many loved ones will suffer for the rest of their lives because he chose not to care about anyone but himself. They will live forever wondering why they didn’t see. Why they didn’t help. Don’t you think Robin Williams’ daughter wonders that? His friends? His family? His colleagues?

A long time ago, I had this plan – When I’m old and done with all my responsibilities, I want to throw a party. A big one to invite everyone that’s ever known me. And if any of them ever wanted to write a euology, they can write one and read it to me at that party because seriously, what’s the point of saying nice things to me once I’m dead? So I just want them to read it. And I’ll say goodbye and I’ll take a little bit of the money I’ve earned in my life, pack my bags, erase or throw away any object that could remind the people that love me that I’m no longer there and just leave. They won’t know where I am. They won’t know if I’m alive or dead. I’d have vanished. Like Andy Warhol said he’d like to do.

Because we can’t live in fear. We can’t keep away from the ones we love, the ones who love us just because we’re afraid of the scar we’ll leave behind. We can’t not make memories in fear of those incredible moments turning into nightmares someday. But there is something we can do :

We can stop spending our times accumulating materialistic things and instead just care and be compassionate. We can learn to be kind and show others what living can truly mean. We can save something that five generations wouldn’t just pass around but would talk about. Would want to live upto.

Because the things you leave may rot and fade but the memories and life lessons – they’re here to stay.

The Bigger Problem

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Glossophobia. Do you know what that means? I didn’t. In my first year at university, I stood in front of my entire class and instead of flawlessly explaining the cultural differences, I froze. Two weeks later I wrote a very long paper on that word. Glossophobia – The fear of public speaking.

We humans do this very often. We tend to not notice something until we have the need to do so. There aren’t a lot of things on this planet we learn about willingly.

Unfortunately, the people that aren’t a part of our lives fall under that category.

If you had looked at my History book at the end of an academic year, it would have looked brand new. I hated history. I was very clear – Somebody killed somebody. They’re both dead and I couldn’t care less.

And I know there are a lot of people that agree with me about that but even they cannot deny the fact that though History may be insignificant, the future will always matter. And I don’t want to wait until I am left with no choice again. Because Glossophobia – it is the smallest of our problems. There are bigger problems with fewer support groups that nobody talks about. But I want to talk about it.

Because the fact that my mother wakes up every morning and knows I’m going to be fast asleep and not dead is actually a privilige – That is a problem.

I’ve tried to put this thought into words for a very long time now and luckily someone else did it for me. Because this – this moment when we realize that someone out there could be smarter, better and absolutely amazing at doing exactly what we do but with no means to show it – this is the truth.

“I have never understood why some people are lucky enough to be born with the chance that I had—with this path in life. And why across the world, there’s a woman just like me with the same abilities and the same desires, the same work ethic and love for her family who would most likely make better films and better speeches. Only she sits in a refuge camp, and she has no voice. She worries about what her children will eat, how to keep them safe, and if they’ll ever return home. I don’t know why this is my life and that’s hers…” – Angelina Jolie, Governers Awards Speech

And I have wondered for a long time how it is fair that I get to wake up in the morning and her innocent, darling child didn’t. And the truth is, it’s not and I would love to be the individual that changes that, that changes the world and brings about world peace but I can’t. I can’t do this alone.

I can’t stop poverty alone. I can’t stop wars alone. I can’t save those kids with amazing talent – the ones being shot in war zones, the ones dying of hunger, the ones struggling to jump from one refuge camp to another and the ones that might not wake up tomorrow – and help better their lives.

“She speaks more languages than anyone in the family. Because she plays with all the children in the street.”

This was a quote describing a little kid on Humans of New York. It makes me feel sick that a child has the ability to see something so simple that we as adults have failed to understand. That she has the ability to look at a child and see just that. She doesn’t see where they come from or who their parents are. And if only we could do that.

Do you know about the photographer, Kevin Carter? He killed himself after shooting a picture of a kid in starvation. I can’t count the number of times I’ve looked at my mother and said “I’m going to die of hunger. Feed me now !”

I wanted to put up that picture on this blog but I just can’t bring myself to. I can’t look at it. It may have been taken a long time ago but I assure you, there is still a kid somewhere in this world that looks like that and is going through that. And yes, there are people rallying about it and screaming about it but nobody with a life takes the time to listen and that is a problem.

Because..

Is it fair that we get to whine about not having pizza for dinner? Is it fair that I get pissed with the Universe for not letting me travel the world when some kid out there can’t even travel home? Is it fair that this life that I don’t do much with, some kid would have used to the best of his ability and maybe even cured Cancer with but he’s sitting in a little room made of plastic scraps and wondering where his next meal’s going to come from while struggling to ignore the mental images of his dead parents?

And should we really wait until we are left with no choice but to listen?

The Life & Death Of It All

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I wrote this post on Sunday. I didn’t post it. I was too emotionally lost. I’m still not very sure but I’m going to take a deep breath and here goes..

This whole weekend has been such a blur. My friend was having her Sangeeth (The Indian version of a pre-wedding party) today evening and I’ve been planning for it for a while now. Last night I got food poisoning. I was so sure my weekend was ruined. Things can’t get worse. You know, the usual whiney “My life is cursed and bad and nothing ever goes as planned.”  This morning I woke up to a status message on Facebook.

Every time you think you have it bad, life shows you that it could be worse. A while back I wrote a post called “The People Who Change Your Life” about a guy who was the reason I chose to study what I did and pursue the career and somehow find what I now know I absolutely love doing. A cardiac arrest had led him to a coma for close to ten months and at 7a.m today ( 22nd of June ), he ended his journey here. I have this shaky feeling that I can’t get rid off. I really had hoped he’d get better in some miraculous way but life isn’t always fair. I’m here whining about not getting to go to a party when his mother has to live with the fact that her son is never going to wake up.

So many messages of love were pouring on to his Facebook timeline. What’s the point ?! He’s not going to read it. He’s gone. He doesn’t care if you both had a memory anymore. He doesn’t care to say “Oh look I had so many friends on Facebook.” It makes you question the concept of “OMG I HAVE THREE HUNDRED LIKES AND TWO THOUSAND FOLLOWERS !” What’s the point ?!

I did go to my friend’s Sangeeth. I not only needed to get out but I also wanted to be there for her. Though time may have put us at a distance, she was one of my closest friends in school. She was so happy and giggly. Her fiancé was doting on her and it was such a pretty sight to watch. They were ready to begin their lives together. Their love surrounded them and you could see it when you looked at them. But even that didn’t help the way I was feeling.

I often feel like death takes up too much space in my mind. Not just in reality but when I read books or watch movies, I tend to turn to stories that I know will depress me and I let it occupy my mind though I swear I am usually a very happy person. But I feel like there’s something about it that’s so realistic. It’s the truth that is inevitable. It’s going to happen to every one of us no matter what we try. But I can never accept it. I believe in spirits and ghosts because I hate thinking that something s simple as that has the ability to take a person away from us forever. I don’t even know.

I’m pretty sure this post is as lost as I’m feeling at this point and I’m sorry for that but I really just don’t know how to feel. I wasn’t close to him but to me he played a big part in how my life tuned out and so he mattered. It mattered that he came out of his coma. It mattered that I got one last chance to say Thank You. It’s funny how you never realize how important a person in your life can be until you know you might never say something to them again. I wish I’d realized this before his coma. I wish I hadn’t lost touch.

I guess the only thing I can do at this point is to hope he rests in peace and his family and friends find the strength to get through this..

 

 

My Best Friend – A Superhero

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“The monsters are gone.”
“Really?” Doubtful.
“I killed the monsters. That’s what fathers do.” 
― Fiona Wallace

I’ve come across different kinds of fathers. The stingy one, the overly obsessive, the over protective, the non-stop traveller, the man buried in money, the playful one, the furious one, the perfectionist..

I’ve read stories of fathers who kill their daughters because she divorced her abusive husband. I’ve read stories of fathers who abuse – physically, mentally and sexually abuse – their daughters. I’ve read stories of fathers who died protecting their daughters. Of fathers who live in guilt that they survived a hazard and their children didn’t. Of fathers who would give their world to keep their little ones safe. Of fathers who run away from responsibility. Of fathers who come back from war to see their daughters graduate.  Of fathers who hold their dying child’s hand and tells them he’ll meet them there. Of fathers who warn their daughters’ boyfriend, “Hurt her and I’ll hurt you!”

Like I said, I’ve come across different kinds of fathers. But nobody quite like my best friend.

I could start this off saying “he’s a superhero.” But that would just be the child in me. So let me talk about the man that would give up his world to put a smile on his kids’ faces, the man who doesn’t have the ability to say no, the man who has accepted his kids for who they are even though he comes from a place where any other father in that situation would have looked at their child and said “I’d rather throw you out than call you mine.”

He’s the person that every child dreams of having in their lives. Even during the most difficult of times, he tries to give them everything they want. He works hard is an understatement. He makes every other man in this world not worth it. He supports, understands, loves, cares and most importantly, stands by you.

Like all best friends, we quarrel. We have big arguments and stop talking for a few days. But then we snap out of it because, “come on. You can’t be mad at your best friend!!” I tell him everything. My secrets, my dreams, the comments on my blog that make me smile and most of all, boy troubles. He always understands. When I had my first break-up, he was there for me. When I was half-way across the world crying on the phone because I wanted to come home, he stayed on the line and talked me through it.  Midnight medical emergencies, ligament tears, home sickness and fights with my sister, he’s been there for me through it all.

I’ve heard many childhood stories of mine with him. But I don’t remember much of it. What I do remember is the person that said “Let her have a life and make her mistakes and learn from them.” I remember the care when I had all four of my wisdom teeth taken out at the same time. I remember the tears of joy I had when he gave me a card to congratulate me for the very first money I ever earned. I remember the silly laughter, the perfect movies, the love for popcorn. I remember Hindi movies with subtitles, Drive-in theatre experiences, our first trip alone and the first time he put me on a flight back home all by myself.

I’ve learnt so much from him. I’ve learnt to stand up for what I believe in, I’ve learnt to not settle for anything less than what I deserve, I’ve learnt what unconditional love and care means and he is the reason I learnt to dream, to chase those dreams and to not stop for anyone.

Like all people in this world, time and life pulled us apart a little by little. But even today, when I have news, when I am hyper for no reason, when I am bored, when I find something interesting on Buzzfeed, I rush to him. And even today, he listens and nods his head even if he doesn’t have the time to be doing so.

To my superhero and my best friend,

Happy Father’s Day, Dad.

🙂

Great Expectations

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When I was a kid, one of my cousins said she wanted to be a journalist. It sounded so appealing. So fancy. I wanted to be a journalist too. Then I wanted to be a doctor, an actress, a singer, an F1 racer, an astronaut, a movie producer, an advertising creative head.. A full circle that ended in “I want to be a Journalist.” It was my first dream as a kid. It is my dream as an adult. I also want to write a book but that’s more a desire than an ambition.

Many of you would know, writers don’t get paid much. I knew that at some point I was going to have to give up my ideas of living like the Kardashians (You can call them my guilty pleasure) . No private jets, no Bora Bora vacations and definitely no million dollar wedding. My luck was that I always told myself, If you’re content, consider it enough because, sometimes, even billionaires don’t get there. So it was not THAT difficult for me to accept it and I always thought that was enough.

Turns out, I was wrong. You accepting your life choices is the easy part. Getting everyone else to where you are, now that’s a challenge. I remember reading somewhere : When I picked up my kid, I realized my father would have felt the same way I feel now and it makes me wish I had been a better child to him.

I didn’t have to pick up a kid to know that my father had big dreams for me. I was the smart one. I would go places. The world would look at me and say “Your parents must be so proud” and my father would stand beside me nodding his head yes. Instead, I defied him every chance I got. I chose an industry he didn’t particularly approve of. I chose a lifestyle he didn’t enjoy. I now chose a dream he knows would never get me to where he hoped I would be. I became someone he didn’t understand and in all things short, I will openly say : That dream that he had when he first picked me up at the hospital and looked at my face – I crashed it. Hard. And someday, I might regret this. But today, I choose to be that rebellious kid that says “But Dad, I’m happy !”

I came across this picture recently.. If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know that I’m someone who believes one must always do what they love, not what they’re forced into. So it’s not a surprise that I automatically took to this picture.

 

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I’m doing what I love and what I believe I’m good at. Yes, I’m terribly broke but when I get up every morning, the only thing I don’t want to do that day is take a time consuming shower. I’m always so excited to go to my internship because going there means writing and I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE it. I realize that the #WIN is something that I might not get to. It is a space that only a few people actually make it to and maybe I will, but the chances are slim and I can accept that. But how do you convince the people who have raised you and loved you and dreamt big things for you that you’re going to be a normal working class person and you don’t mind and neither should they ?!

With great expectation comes great disappointment. It really is true isn’t it? I wish it could be different. As a kid, I enjoyed studying. As a teenager I hated school with every cell in my body. As a university student, I loved it again. And now, I just want to move forward. I want to find a job that allows me to do what I love. All through my years as a student, I never succumbed to expectations. Until now..

I want to say something to you.. Something that I am now repeating to myself, every single day of my life. People will always have their expectations. There are the ones who expect you to be better at what you do and there are the ones who expect you to be doing something better than what you do. Mute those voices. Some call them motivating but I think if those voices didn’t exist, you’d be more happy doing things your way. They always pressurize you with their great expectations of who you should be. And I believe in taking a stand for who you are. Who you are might change the world, might cure cancer and might even make penguins fly. But you won’t get there if you let others manipulate the way you think, constantly. Sure, you might still get to your destination with those voices. But the journey without them might have been a more peaceful one and it’s always the journey that defines how you feel about the destination.

Every time I send a resume somewhere, I remember my father’s face. I realize how he deserves much more than this. He deserves to be by my side as the world looks to me the way he wanted it to. I think of what the future might hold. The expectations the people in my life will have. The example I set for my siblings. How I wish I could mute them and do what I love like I always did..

As I write this, I can still hear people telling me this isn’t enough. This isn’t success. But I’m going to try and not care about it. Because this.. this makes me content. And that’s more success than I could ever ask for..

I just want to say..

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Nigerian-girls-abducted-Bring-Back-Our-Girls-10

There have been so many things I’ve wanted to talk about this week. From an internship at a company that is close to impossible to get into to my first published article in a newspaper to how more than anyone in this world, this blog has seen me evolve from the most depressed person I’ve ever met to someone who looks at life in a positive way. Beyond all, I wanted to say “Thank You” for the encouraging comments and giving me hope every time I wonder if this is what I should be doing.

I was having what one would consider the “perfect week” until a few days ago, when I came across #BringBackOurGirls. I then wrote an unbelievably angry letter that I had to delete because, “Thanks Mom for talking me out of uploading it! And oh, Happy Mother’s day !”

I’ve mulled over this a lot over the past two days and I realized that I just cannot ignore it. I cannot act like it isn’t happening. On April 15th 2014, 230 girls within the age group of 16-18 were abducted from their schools in Nigeria. Almost a month later, the media is finally turning its attention to the situation and celebrities across the globe are using the #BringBackOurGirls to raise awareness and start a protest that demands the girls be sent back the way they were taken. No harm, no scars. Though I highly doubt that is possible for the mental scar this may leave on them might never be erased.

I come from a family that has let me make my life choices. Not all of them were good but they never shut me down or shoved me in a corner and forced me to pick. I have had the freedom to study what I want, date who I like and live how I choose to. I believe that this shouldn’t be a privilege. This should be the normal way of living for any human being. Your life, your choices. Nobody should have the right to dictate your life, tell you how to live or force you into anything. And honestly, I think being forced into living in a marriage you don’t want is the same as being raped.

I hated school at one point. I didn’t believe I needed university or a degree but in today’s world, literacy is twice as valuable as a diamond. It opens doors and windows of opportunities from across the world. And in my opinion, anyone wanting all that, wanting a better life for themselves and their family shouldn’t be forced into giving them up because one group of people think it’s wrong. I’ve talked about this before. I believe that if you have an opinion about something and you find someone else who thinks the same way, fantastic ! Be friends. But just because you believe that is the right thing does not give you the right to call someone out as committing a mistake when they don’t agree with you. Each person has the right to live their own life any which way they want. If I choose to be an atheist, it does not mean I am disrespecting my culture, my family or my country. It simply means, I, as an individual, have made a choice to be myself. I will still respect everything my culture preaches, I respect everyone that follows it but I just choose to live differently. This doesn’t put me in the wrong. I’m not committing a mistake. I am simply living my life. Tell me now, is this a reason to kidnap me and force me into something I genuinely do not want ?!

To think that these girls weren’t even that. They weren’t atheists. They weren’t on the borderline of converting. They were just innocent girls with dreams. All they ever wanted was the right to education, the right to see all the beauty this world has to offer to them, the right to live their life and the right to be happy. How does someone put religion and culture into that ?! How does someone see a mistake in something as simple as that ?!

When I write about this, I have to fear my life. I have to fear the outcome. WHY ?! Why is your right to speak your mind not realistic?! Why should you be made to feel bad for having the ability to live your life as if it’s a fortune that doesn’t come very often ?! Why should people you have not met, talked to or ever heard about before have the right to tell you that your life is being lived the wrong way ?!

I am being honest when I say that if it is possible, I will join whatever force it is that fights those who condemn people from living their lives and  to save innocent children from outrageous acts like this.

I am asking you today, to not spread this blog but this message. Give every child the right to live their life. Give every child the right to dream and to chase their dreams. Give every child the hope of a better life. Give every child the support they might need to fight this battle.

And most importantly,

#BringBackOurGirls