Can you believe I have six versions of this blog post? Because there are just no words to describe my 2016 to you. It’s been a year of throwing my hands in the air with both frustration and excitement.
I started this year with something that was emotionally important to me.
I began focusing more on what I was doing. This life that had been forced upon me didn’t seem so bad anymore. I made friends I cared about. I met people who seemed out of my world. I identified ways that would make me better at work. I still wished I could have had the life I’d wanted. But I no longer felt like a failure. So I gave up hope.
My new work and my plan B didn’t give me enough mental energy to blog though. My writing style began to change. I neither had the time nor the ability to write. I considered pulling down my blog. I thought it’s time to give up writing.
The idea only grew stronger with every draft I couldn’t finish, with every thought I couldn’t put into words. I remember that night. I was sitting by the window, staring at my computer. I didn’t want to hit Publish. The article was so cheesy, so romantic and so girly. It seemed like the worst thing I had ever written. Maybe I need to edit it a little, I thought to myself. Maybe I should just delete this article and this blog and admit I can no longer write! After an hour of arguing with myself, I finally published “To The Girl In Her Mid-20’s.”
You know what they say about taking chances? Letting that article stay was the best chance I ever took because “It went viral” is an understatement of what happened to me that week. It wasn’t the platforms that shared it, it wasn’t the BuzzFeed feature. It was that email. The one that gave me goosebumps because I had done this to someone’s life. This…
That blog wasn’t representative of what I normally write. But it reminded me why I do. The emails, messages, comments and love that poured in were each a reminder of why I started this blog. And I know for a fact that I’ll never forget again.
It was almost the happiest week of my life. Almost.
I was at work, just another day of life, when my phone rang. I knew what was coming. But sometimes, it’s better to not let your heart believe until it happens. And so the moment it came, I broke. With joy I’d never known before. One that made me run to the closest room and sob like a child. Because, so many people in this world continue to live life without one shot at chasing their dreams and I’d just gotten my second.
The moment my dad said, “It’s done. You’re going back.”
I could live to be 100 and never forget how grateful I’d felt in that moment. Grateful for the opportunity. Grateful for another chance. Grateful for a father that never gave up. Because I did. And if he had too, I wouldn’t have the ability to now tell you – After having to quit university half way, struggling through depression, battling suicidal thoughts, watching everyone I’d grown up with graduate, trying to be okay when my sister got closer to her degree – I AM BACK AT UNIVERSITY, FINISHING WHAT I BEGAN.
I am crying when I write this because nothing I ever say will do justice to the feeling that rises within me when I think about it. And I’ll say it a thousand times over – It wouldn’t have been possible without my father. And if we didn’t live in a very dysfunctional family, I’d probably hug him ‘thank you’ everyday of my life.
My classmates, unlike my last ones during degree year, are not rude. They are very nice people. We have fun. We all like cute cat pictures. And besides when criticising my apparently unreadable handwriting (jokes), there is never a dull moment. But going back and absorbing so much information after a long break is quite difficult. I’m no longer a straight A student. But that’s okay. I know I’ll get there.
And to think, I’d given up on everything that had come back to me, better and happier.
I’ve gotten to know who I am this past year. I’ve had the ability to choose and I’ve made choices that were both logical and also, at times, emotional. Some of the choices were right and some weren’t quite. And I know the consequences of it all will come back to me next year. When every choice I make will define everything my future will be. Work, location, love. But I feel good about it. Because I’m waking up on the 1st day of 2017, exactly as who I am. No hiding, no pretending. Just me. With a smile on my face.
And I’m hoping it’s on yours too…
Loud Thoughts Voiced Out 
Sounds like you had an amazing year! Hope 2017 treats you to another
Happy New Year 🙂
You go girl! Never, ever, ever give up. You never know when its Coming Up Roses☺ God bless you..
This is such a heartwarming post. I’m so so happy that everything came back to you in the end 🙂 it sounds like you’ve had a wonderful year.
What an incredible journey! Happy new year (/hogmanay) when it comes 🙂
So powerful and touching, I wish you all the best for 2017 ❤
Excellent read. So encouraging. Read every bit of it without blinking. Cheers to being our authentic selves this 2017!
Hope to meet you one day 😌
This is so motivating, I love it! Hope 2017 is great for you!
Happy new year you beautiful, beautiful soul.<3
I got goose bumps reading this 😊😊your 2016 seemed like a great journey. Happy new year.
I’m so glad to have you in my life, you beautiful person. I learn as I read and talk to you. Lots of love. This gives me hope. The first read of the year ❤
First read of the year! *grins ear to ear* Thank you so much 💗 2016 has been one of the better years because I got to know you. So much love.
You’re a strong soul. I’m glad that things are turning out for the better for you now. Wishing you the best!
Thank you so much 😀 ❤ Happy New Year!
Sounds like you’ve had a fantastic start to your year and that post is just further proof that stepping out of our comfort zones can bring huge reward.
I know that I’ve written posts that I loved and no one else seemed to read, while posts that I thought were weaker seemed to fly.
Blogging is a funny world.
Best of luck with university. Sounds like you’re going to rock!
Hey! There are feelings I can relate to here, there is hope I can use for myself. And other than that, there’s a lot of beauty that I’ll appreciate you for. Thank you!
First read of the year for me as well.. good to see 2016 has been an overall positive year for you… Wish to read another post during 1st Jan 2018 recollecting how 2017 was pure awesome.
Cheers.
“The idea only grew stronger with every draft I couldn’t finish, with every thought I couldn’t put into words. I remember that night. I was sitting by the window, staring at my computer. I didn’t want to hit Publish.”
I had this moments too, when I thought it wasn’t good enough, like somehow, people wouldn’t like it. But then I thought “screw it, am publishing it”, and hit publish before I can have any other second thoughts.
…and the respond people gave me was amazing. I didn’t knew that doubt and desperation is the last wall I had to conquer, and that I just had to take the leap.
Have a good year for you! 🙂
Best wishes for an amazing 2017!
this is such a beautiful post! i’ve found you through community pool and i’m so glad i did. 2016 wasn’t easy for you but it gave you great gifts. your 2017 will be much better, just keep smiling. (: and you know what? true love is calm, not butterflies. i should know, january, 1st me and my husband celebrated 13 years together. ;D