A Feeling So Loud


You wake up and look in the mirror. Your bed hair isn’t perfect. Your morning breath can use a mint or two. Yesterday’s eyeliner is now almost a smoky eye. Almost.

You wake up and look around you. His side of the bed now cold. He’s been gone a while. What if he doesn’t come back?!

You wake up and see her snuggling in her corner. She doesn’t need your arms around her for a good night’s sleep. She’s alright with herself. What happens when she stops wanting me?

You wake up and feel that pang. There’s no blanket in the world to cover this one up.

Your life feels like an illusion, waiting to be taken away. Only, it was never yours.

Not that hair. Not that face. Not that girl.

It could be. But you’ll never allow it, will you?

That heart of yours will never let you have it all.

And so you sulk. A little pout forever on your lips. Some people are born to be that way. Some lives are meant to be lived that way. But not mine. Not now.

And so you look. From a glass screen as you double tap on a world that isn’t yours.

It’s the laughter. The way they live. The memories you can’t create. The life you’re afraid you won’t live fully.

It’s the heart. The way he stares at her. The love you don’t have. The relationship you may never experience.

It’s this feeling. Is he still here? Is she still in this apartment? When they leave, will they come back? But, why?

It’s the body. The muscles you won’t have. The hair that can’t be styled. The skin that’s filled with flaws.

It’s that moment. What will I ever be? Will my life ever happen?

But when that alarm goes off, you don’t get up.

When it’s time for class, you don’t show up.

When you’re invited to the party, you don’t want to dress up.

Because, “What’s the point?”

You let your wings close and find a book about a girl who took a chance to have it all. You’ll wish you were her. But when the time is here, you won’t do it.

It’s not insecurity. It’s not a complex. You’re not an introvert.

It is a feeling. The one that stops you from waking up.

She can do it, doesn’t mean I can. I am not meant to live like her. I can’t.

Funny thing – she’s like you too. But she stopped letting that feeling control her. She let her life take over her world. It wasn’t magic. It was simply a decision.

One you find so impossible to make.

But you know what? You can make it.

That voice in your head, it’s a lie.

That girl in the book you read? She’s based on a real woman. Like you. Like me.

So stop snoozing that alarm.

Stop sleeping when you have class.

Stop lazing around and pull out that dress you love.

Every life you see from a distance happened because they fought their way through that voice.

You are no different.

So turn down the volume.

Let your heart lead the way.

14 thoughts on “A Feeling So Loud

  1. Little Sunshine says:

    Wonderful post! Super inspiring!
    I agree with you, fighting that voice is so so hard, but so worth it. Personally I really like to work out in the morning before breakfast, that gives me energy, a healthy glow to my skin and I always look forward to it!
    Plus a beautiful dress always works wonders!
    again, absolutely wonderful post!!

  2. blottedmind says:

    Every life you see from a distance happened because they fought their way through that voice.

    Lovely lines. Mesmerised by the blog and the powerful sway of thoughts. It’s true. A lot of days it doesn’t pay to get outta bed. And even on those days, especially on days like those, one braves a smile for the world never stops to wait for us to seize it, Choke it, live it like we are like kids on a sugar rush.

    A wonderful reminder to take a good look around and remind ourselves that none of that really matters. What matters is the the little voice refusing to let us wake up 🙂

  3. Frede Lemieux says:

    This is absolutely beautiful… I needed to read those words today, so thank you for writing and sharing them.

  4. Maze of the Mind - Komal Golecha says:

    Very well written with absolutely no filters. We all have that one voice telling us that we are not meant for it and doesn’t let us move an inch from our comfort zone…but great realisations never happened in comfort zones. Been there….still there and can completely relate to it. Wonderful post 🙂

  5. Sandhya says:

    Hi Poornima! If i have a smile on my face when reading this post, it is because I have started to take those steps to change my life rather than sulking and feeling i’m any less deserving. I started to read your blogs a year ago when I was in depression.. now i’m at a place in life where i don’t even have time to think back on those dark days. I have to say your words gave me the initial push.. When i was feeling isolated, your blog kept me company.. Thanks for being there 🙂

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