Tag: depression

2013 Going On 2014

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As I sit here, listening to songs from Sound of Music and sipping hot tea, I realize, the year 2013 has been the most trying year of my life. I have never cried so much. I have never been so depressed. I have never felt so hopeless and lost. But it was also one of the best years of my life. I have never been happier. I have never felt more need to do something with my life, to give my life meaning. I have never learnt so many life lessons in such a short period of time.

It’s true what they say – Experience is key. Sure, you can learn from others’ mistakes. But some things in life, you learn only through your own experience. In 2013, I had to give up something I absolutely loved doing. For no fault of mine. I was trapped in a corner. I thought my life was over. I had hit bottom low. There were days when I felt like I didn’t have a reason to wake up. I cried myself to sleep. I refused to walk out of my room. I felt like I was having an out of body experience. I was watching my life flush itself down the drains and I couldn’t do anything about it. I was pissed with everyone. I hated the world. I was drowning in an emotion that I didn’t know or understand.

Then one day, something changed. There was an incident when I did something without realizing what I was doing. I felt like someone slapped me awake. I stopped and stared at the mirror. Oddly, I had no idea who the person staring back at me was. Because that person was a bad friend, was a bad daughter, was a self-loathing, self-pitying ghost of a human being and I was not that person. I was never that person and I knew something had to change. I didn’t know what to do but I had to start somewhere. I told myself, I’m getting my act together. This is my life. I’m the only one that can fix it. I took the longest shower I’ve ever taken while I gathered my thoughts together. When I walked out, I knew. It was a new day and it was going to be better than yesterday.

I know people always ask you to surround yourself with loved ones when you’re going through a bad phase. But there are times in your life, when it is better to be alone. For you to sit down and map out your life. Make your decisions. Think things through. I started by making a list. Of all the good things in my life at that point :

1. I got a dog and he loves me the way I’d always hoped someone would.
2. I had a family to support me, no matter what I do.
3. I was healthy. 
4. I had a roof over my head and food on my plate, everyday, no matter what. 

I realized, I have more than most people in my country do. All I needed was the right attitude. And a plan. So I started with the small changes, a little bit every day. I did positive things. I talked to positive people. I took long walks and enjoyed Mother Nature. I started drawing and sketching. Finally, I started writing. This was my biggest step. I’ve always wanted to start a blog, but I never got around to it. If my life had stayed intact, I probably never would have started a blog. This may sound cheesy, but this blog is the best thing that has happened to me this year. It has given me the ability to do what I love and share it with people with similar interests.

I still can’t say that I’m completely happy and I don’t want anything to change. I would, of course, love to go back and do what I used to do. But I wouldn’t trade this year for anything, ever. This year, I’ve loved, I’ve accomplished, I’ve said goodbye, I’ve said “Nice to meet you,” I’ve let go of a memory I didn’t realize I was holding on to, I fell for someone after a very long time, I’ve had heartbreak, I have put my faith in hope and I have dreamt a dream bigger than any I’ve ever dreamt before. The lessons and values I’ve learnt are indispensable. The most important lesson, however, has been :

“No matter what happens, or where you’re stuck, don’t stand still. Put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. As long as you do that, you will get somewhere.”

So here’s my New Year’s Resolution :

  • I want to wish on a shooting star.
  • I want to dream BIG and chase those dreams.
  • I want to spend more time with nature.
  • I want to fall in love.
  • I want to enjoy the rain.
  • I want to save some money and travel.
  • And I want to fly…

On that note, here’s wishing you the most incredible year ahead. I hope you dream and that you dream big. And I hope all those dreams come true..

Happy New Year 2014 ! 🙂

(Pic Courtesy : Me and my incredible doodle skills)

Depression

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Have you ever had that feeling where you’re so lost you have no idea what to do or where to look?
You’re trying to find an escape, but you feel like you’re in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by nothing but water .
Everything feels dull. No matter what you do, there’s a part of you that’s missing.
But here’s the problem, you don’t know what it is that you’re missing. At times, it feels like you’re missing everything.
At times, it feels like you’re not really missing anything. You’re, in fact, stuck with all the things one could imagine.
Except the things you want.
You’re surrounded by the people you love, who love you and yet you feel unloved.
You laugh and it feels like you’re doing it through someone else’s body.
Your life becomes a routine. You’re a machine that knows :
Get up. Brush. Shower. Eat. Watch TV. Go out. Look like you’re having fun. Change. Sleep.
Nothing stays in your head. Nothing except an empty feeling. A need to be somewhere else. To have something else.
But you don’t know where. If you know where, you don’t know how to get there.
It’s like getting to Neverland and meeting Peter Pan.
Yet it feels so realistic in your head. Like it’s right there. But you can’t touch it.
You want a particular someone, or rather just anyone, to walk up to you and pick you up.
To mend the broken pieces that only you can see.
To hold you close until you’re all fixed up and can stand on your feet again.
To tell you, no matter what, tomorrow will be a better day.
But even as you read this, you know, no matter what they say, you won’t believe it.
Waking up tomorrow is a pain you don’t want.
You stay awake all night and sleep all day because it’s your way of avoiding conversations during the day.
You push people away and they have no clue that it’s hurting you more to do that, than it’s hurting them.
But you can’t let them in. You can’t let them too close.. You can’t let them see..
That even if you look like you’re having fun.. Even if you’re smiling..

Deep inside, your heart is dying.