Category: Thoughts

2013 Going On 2014

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As I sit here, listening to songs from Sound of Music and sipping hot tea, I realize, the year 2013 has been the most trying year of my life. I have never cried so much. I have never been so depressed. I have never felt so hopeless and lost. But it was also one of the best years of my life. I have never been happier. I have never felt more need to do something with my life, to give my life meaning. I have never learnt so many life lessons in such a short period of time.

It’s true what they say – Experience is key. Sure, you can learn from others’ mistakes. But some things in life, you learn only through your own experience. In 2013, I had to give up something I absolutely loved doing. For no fault of mine. I was trapped in a corner. I thought my life was over. I had hit bottom low. There were days when I felt like I didn’t have a reason to wake up. I cried myself to sleep. I refused to walk out of my room. I felt like I was having an out of body experience. I was watching my life flush itself down the drains and I couldn’t do anything about it. I was pissed with everyone. I hated the world. I was drowning in an emotion that I didn’t know or understand.

Then one day, something changed. There was an incident when I did something without realizing what I was doing. I felt like someone slapped me awake. I stopped and stared at the mirror. Oddly, I had no idea who the person staring back at me was. Because that person was a bad friend, was a bad daughter, was a self-loathing, self-pitying ghost of a human being and I was not that person. I was never that person and I knew something had to change. I didn’t know what to do but I had to start somewhere. I told myself, I’m getting my act together. This is my life. I’m the only one that can fix it. I took the longest shower I’ve ever taken while I gathered my thoughts together. When I walked out, I knew. It was a new day and it was going to be better than yesterday.

I know people always ask you to surround yourself with loved ones when you’re going through a bad phase. But there are times in your life, when it is better to be alone. For you to sit down and map out your life. Make your decisions. Think things through. I started by making a list. Of all the good things in my life at that point :

1. I got a dog and he loves me the way I’d always hoped someone would.
2. I had a family to support me, no matter what I do.
3. I was healthy. 
4. I had a roof over my head and food on my plate, everyday, no matter what. 

I realized, I have more than most people in my country do. All I needed was the right attitude. And a plan. So I started with the small changes, a little bit every day. I did positive things. I talked to positive people. I took long walks and enjoyed Mother Nature. I started drawing and sketching. Finally, I started writing. This was my biggest step. I’ve always wanted to start a blog, but I never got around to it. If my life had stayed intact, I probably never would have started a blog. This may sound cheesy, but this blog is the best thing that has happened to me this year. It has given me the ability to do what I love and share it with people with similar interests.

I still can’t say that I’m completely happy and I don’t want anything to change. I would, of course, love to go back and do what I used to do. But I wouldn’t trade this year for anything, ever. This year, I’ve loved, I’ve accomplished, I’ve said goodbye, I’ve said “Nice to meet you,” I’ve let go of a memory I didn’t realize I was holding on to, I fell for someone after a very long time, I’ve had heartbreak, I have put my faith in hope and I have dreamt a dream bigger than any I’ve ever dreamt before. The lessons and values I’ve learnt are indispensable. The most important lesson, however, has been :

“No matter what happens, or where you’re stuck, don’t stand still. Put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. As long as you do that, you will get somewhere.”

So here’s my New Year’s Resolution :

  • I want to wish on a shooting star.
  • I want to dream BIG and chase those dreams.
  • I want to spend more time with nature.
  • I want to fall in love.
  • I want to enjoy the rain.
  • I want to save some money and travel.
  • And I want to fly…

On that note, here’s wishing you the most incredible year ahead. I hope you dream and that you dream big. And I hope all those dreams come true..

Happy New Year 2014 ! 🙂

(Pic Courtesy : Me and my incredible doodle skills)

Depression

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Have you ever had that feeling where you’re so lost you have no idea what to do or where to look?
You’re trying to find an escape, but you feel like you’re in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by nothing but water .
Everything feels dull. No matter what you do, there’s a part of you that’s missing.
But here’s the problem, you don’t know what it is that you’re missing. At times, it feels like you’re missing everything.
At times, it feels like you’re not really missing anything. You’re, in fact, stuck with all the things one could imagine.
Except the things you want.
You’re surrounded by the people you love, who love you and yet you feel unloved.
You laugh and it feels like you’re doing it through someone else’s body.
Your life becomes a routine. You’re a machine that knows :
Get up. Brush. Shower. Eat. Watch TV. Go out. Look like you’re having fun. Change. Sleep.
Nothing stays in your head. Nothing except an empty feeling. A need to be somewhere else. To have something else.
But you don’t know where. If you know where, you don’t know how to get there.
It’s like getting to Neverland and meeting Peter Pan.
Yet it feels so realistic in your head. Like it’s right there. But you can’t touch it.
You want a particular someone, or rather just anyone, to walk up to you and pick you up.
To mend the broken pieces that only you can see.
To hold you close until you’re all fixed up and can stand on your feet again.
To tell you, no matter what, tomorrow will be a better day.
But even as you read this, you know, no matter what they say, you won’t believe it.
Waking up tomorrow is a pain you don’t want.
You stay awake all night and sleep all day because it’s your way of avoiding conversations during the day.
You push people away and they have no clue that it’s hurting you more to do that, than it’s hurting them.
But you can’t let them in. You can’t let them too close.. You can’t let them see..
That even if you look like you’re having fun.. Even if you’re smiling..

Deep inside, your heart is dying.

“Homosexuality – Love in its purest form : Illegal”

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I don’t know about the rest of the world, but when I watched fairytales as a kid, I didn’t really melt over the concept of a man and woman getting together. I connected with the love that lasts happily ever after. That kind of love that saw no bounds. Like the love from a mother to her child, the love you feel for your first best friend, the love you have for someone that helped you when you were living your worst nightmare, the love you have for your father, your siblings..

Ultimately, the love you feel when you find that one person that fires up your heart. The person who makes your eyes shine with unknown emotions every time they walk in to the room. The person who brings you out of your shell and makes you feel comfortable in your own skin. Someone who accepts you for who you are instead of what they want you to be.

That’s how one feels about their hometown as well. It’s the place that saw you through your good times and bad. The place that lit you up when you felt low. The place where you grew up. The place where you learnt good from bad. The place where you figured out who you are.. The reason it holds that soft spot in your mind is because no matter where you go or who you become, if you ever forget yourself, you come back home and it’ll remind you..

But imagine not having the ability to be yourself at home? The place that’s supposed to support you is now asking you to retreat your steps until you’re back in that closet.. Now, shut the door and hide there. Because if you dare to walk out, you’ll be jailed.

I woke up this afternoon and did the first thing I do everyday. Facebook. The first post on my NewsFeed :-

“Homosexuality illegal : Supreme Court.”

It took me a good two minutes to gather my thoughts and my emotions and I realized, I wasn’t just hurt or upset. I was outraged. This was by far the most ridiculous thing my country had ever done. Which was surprising considering how many they’ve been doing lately. Every time my mother left my country to go visit another one she would say, “Nothing like India. The friendliness, the hospitality, the love.. You can’t find it anywhere else.” Today, I had something to prove her wrong. Because, today, my country had chosen not to support love. Today, my country shut its doors on kids, adults that were not like them. Today, my country chose to say I will love you for what I want you to be, not for who you are. Today, my country decided to turn its back on the people that need its acceptance and love the most.

Remember that feeling I was talking about? That love that turns your world upside down? Making you look at things differently and feel things differently? Here’s the problem with that. Your emotions don’t see what the world and your brain asks you to. Your emotions don’t know caste, race, ethnicity or gender. Your emotions don’t understand the difference between a man, a woman and a transgender. Like the famous romantic-comedy movie title, Love Happens.. You can’t stop it and you can’t run away from it and you sure as hell cannot turn it off just because the people around you think it’s unnatural, immoral and “disease spreading.”

I would like to think that well-educated, well-knowledged people would have the ability to understand something this simple. LOVE IS LOVE. No matter who you are, where you’re from, what you do or how you look. Homosexuality is proof for that.

Someday, this decision will change. Someday, my country, like many others, will pick love over laws. Until that day, I will stand strong and fight for those people who deserve the chance to love and be loved. I will fight till those closet doors break open. I will fight till the people around me can turn those doors to wings and fly high, showing off who they are, with pride, for every one to see. Until that day..

 

Who We Are vs. What We Want

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When I was 15, my mother cursed me, “One day, you’ll have a daughter that’s just like you. Then you’ll realize how much we’ve suffered as your parents.” Back then I thought ‘Suffer? These people don’t realize what a blessing I am. I’ll be happy to be my parent!’

When I was in high school, I wanted to be the most popular girl in my class. I sort of was. But not for the reasons I wanted to be.
When I was 16, I wanted to be a singer. Now I know, instead of selling out Madison Square Garden, I’d have cleared it out.

Sometimes, who we are and what we want aren’t always in sync. For example,

The times when we want to be the life of the party but we can’t because we’re too shy.
The times when we look at someone drinking wine and enjoying modern art and wish we could do that but we can’t because we don’t understand “Modern Art.”
The times when we want to go bungee jumping, but we’re not brave enough.
The times when we want to just pack our bags and travel around the world, but we’re not adventurous enough.
The times when we want to be – the classy Audrey Hepburn type people, the ones that lead an organized life, the ones who know how to eat a Subway without spilling the vegetables on the tray – but we can’t because – we’re too messy, we pick comfort over looks and we enjoy our Subways too much to care about spilling.

Our lives have always been and will always be a battle of Who we are vs. What we want. But with time and life experiences, we grow wiser. We understand who we are and our wants become more realistic, more of who we are.

Today I can accept that I was wrong while I pray that my mother’s curse doesn’t come true. Because today I know..

A blessing to my parents isn’t who I am.. It’s what I want to be.

Speak Now , Live Now

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Cory Montieth, 31, died in July this year. Paul Walker, 40, died in a car crash on November 30. Someone else I know, 23, is battling for his life for over three months now. It’s sad. It’s depressing. It’s shocking, really. None of them ever thought this would happen to them… Their age makes me think “For all you know, it could be me..” What if it does end up being me?

Before YOLO became the biggest thing on the internet. Before I knew anything about the internet, an incident.. or should I say disaster?.. changed my life, changed the way I live it.

December 26, 2004.. Earthquakes and a Tsunami destroyed lives, destroyed families, destroyed homes..

I was supposed to be at the beach with my father that morning, but I’d overslept. I woke up and jumped with joy about leaving and my parents told me there’d been a Tsunami. I had no idea what it meant but with time, I understood it and I wished I hadn’t..

I’ll never forget what it did to me. I remember the TV ads asking for help. I remember switching channels because I couldn’t listen to that music, couldn’t watch those images. I remember crying under my blankets praying for those lives and those children who just lost their parents.. I remember my mother telling me about this woman who’d killed herself out of depression, a child who’d had a heart attack because the ads were too depressing. I remember wanting to help those kids. I even took a bag of my clothes and went to the beach, to the families living in tents on the streets because their houses were gone. I gave them clothes and in minutes, my car was surrounded by kids asking for food and clothes.. I was terrified, depressed, pissed with the universe..

How many people woke up that day with plans? How many had had a fight the previous night and told themselves “Today, I’ll fix it..” but never got the chance to? For one second, forget the dead.. Imagine the ones sitting at home who never got to tell their loved ones “I love you” “I forgive you” “I need you” “I miss you”..  Praying they were the ones dead and not the other person.. Hoping that the people searching the waters find their loved ones’ body so they could go ahead and do what they had to? Imagine waking up late on a Sunday morning, turning on the TV and realizing, your friend, your family, someone you know was probably dead by now. I always imagine someone with a coffee cup turning on the TV and dropping that cup with shock..

I swore to myself, it doesn’t matter if the other person doesn’t want to hear it. I’ll always tell everyone – the ones I like, the ones I love, the ones I hate – how I feel about them. I will never miss an opportunity. I will make the most out of my life. As a teenager, all it did for me was get me into trouble. But with time, experience and a lot of mistakes, I’ve learnt to fine tune that attitude. I’ve learnt what LIVE NOW means to me. What SPEAK NOW means to me.

It may not always mean the same to everyone. But to me, Live Now means doing something with my life. Helping myself and everyone else around me. I’ve learnt that Live Now does not mean I have to go bungee jumping and skydiving as soon as possible. It means I need to help the ones in need. So even if I’m gone, I would’ve made a better life for someone who gets to live.

And as for Speak Now, it doesn’t matter whether it’s my parents, my siblings or just a crush, I have and will continue to tell them what they mean to me. I’ll tell them how much I care and how important they are to me. I’ve learnt to keep the hate to myself though – Because if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything..

So here’s a piece of advise to anyone that’s reading.. Do you have a dying need to do something – for yourself or anyone around you? Do it today. If it’s a long-term plan, start working on it. Do you have a loved one? Tell them today. What if you never get another chance?

Dreamers : The Chasers and The Catchers

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Are you a dreamer? Neverland? Wall Street? Unrealistic? Realistic? Do you lose yourself in those dreams and curse anything and anyone that wakes you up from them? You’re not alone. Peter Pan and Neverland have been my biggest dreams. Unrealistic and stupid for a grown up, some would say. But what do they know?

My inspirations, my role models and the people I look up to have always had one thing in common – they dreamt a dream and they chased it. It doesn’t matter if they caught it or not. It matters that they tried. If you know me, if you’ve trusted me with your dream, you know at some point in your life, I’ve pushed you to go after it.  I’ve told you I’ll stand by you no matter what, as long as you’re trying to do something you love.

I was having a conversation with a man who looked to be in his 60’s, on an MRT, about dreams and he told me how his dream was to be an artist. He never pursued it. What kind of a career choice would that be? How would he provide for his wife and kids? “Don’t be an idiot that goes after silly things. Be smart. Have a secure future. Money in the bank, food on the plate. Nothing else matters,” he told me. Is that true? I think there’s more to life than money in the bank. What about waking up every morning and not wanting to whine about your shitty life? Imagine a life where you jump out of bed because you cannot wait to go live your life.. The racing heartbeat, the wide grin.. that feeling where you lose yourself while doing something you love that you forget the rest of the world? Imagine doing that everyday until you’ve had enough..

It’s never too early, it’s never too late. Dreams don’t care how old you are. Like I told him, “You don’t have to be 20 to chase your dreams. You can be 60 and still go join art school and pursue what you love.” And if for some reason your dream doesn’t work out, you can always go back to that secure future. In today’s world, age doesn’t matter. . You can be 49 and still start a secure life. But at least this time, you wont live your life wondering “What if..” You’ll know what happens. You’ll live with the satisfaction that you chased it, even if you didn’t catch it. And for all those who say “I can’t do what I want. It’s not what my parents/ spouse/ partner wants,” I’ve got ten words for you – People who love you will be happy that you’re happy.

So stop finding reasons. Stop finding excuses. Go dream a dream.. and chase it with all you’ve got. If you catch it, good for you.. If you don’t, it’s ok, there’s always the next one.. Just remember, you’ll never get there if you never try..

The People Around You

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When we’re walking on the streets, wrapped up in our thoughts, we forget that there’s a world that’s buzzing with life around us.. Have you ever stopped and looked at someone and wondered? Have you ever looked at a teenager and wondered what kind of home they go back to? Have you ever stopped and stared at a person in a suit and wondered what kind of pathetic boss they work for? Have you ever smiled at a kid that is enjoying whatever little time he/she has left as an innocent before the big bad world corrupts their brain? Do you ever take a moment of your journey to look at someone’s life other than yours? I did once and it changed every journey I ever took from that day on..

It was a regular day back from university to my apartment and I was so wrapped up with music and social networking that I almost didn’t notice.. You know how we have friends? We laugh, we fight, we giggle, we tease and we make the lamest jokes in the world? I saw a gang of seven people, in an MRT, do that.. through sign language. I might not have understood everything they signed, but I understood that laughter, I understood what it meant when one of those guys shook his head and closed his eyes while laughing uncontrollably.. I looked around me and saw every person around them stare at them in awe and they didn’t even know about it.. I will never forget the tiny tear a woman wiped from her eyes as she looked at these people who have so much more to whine about than you and I do, but yet they were so happy, so filled with joy..

Somehow, since then, I always look around, I always notice.. Those old aunties who laughed so much they had tears coming from their eyes, that cute couple that would not stop staring into each other’s eyes so so lovingly that it started to annoy the shit out of me, that little kid that dangled her legs because her feet wouldn’t touch the ground, that random kid who smiled at me for no reason when standing in line at Starbucks, that girl at the market that always gives me and my mum some extra vegetables out of kindness, that mother who was texting her husband about their divorce while still cooing at her daughter in the pink tutu, the mentally ill homeless guy that wandered near my old house and always had a smile to give, that old woman selling bananas who probably went back to a small house with barely any food to eat and yet asks you how you’re doing..

Take a moment, look around you.. Look at every life around you.. At all the happiness around you.. At all the people that are probably in way more shit than you’re in right now.. And give them a smile, just because.

For all you know, that’s probably the best thing that happened to them all day..

 

Marriage : From “I Do” to “I Can’t”

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The past three days, the topic around me has been constant. Marriage. As one friend of mine gets ready to seek out his bride, another friend who already found her love just told her parents about it. In another part of the world, a guy I’m acquainted with just got blackmailed into signing his divorce papers after his wife ran away. Three very very different stages of life. The excited, the fighter and the hurt.

I, just like most other girls, have dreamt of my wedding – the dress, the venue, the weather, the jewelry, the guest list and so on. But I’ve always felt like I’ve misunderstood the concept of marriage. To me, it’s when two people, with common goals and interests, come together to share their lives. Caring and loving each other. Becoming the best of friends till death do you apart. Sure there are going to be some hard times. That’s the reason you have each other – to lean back on when the going gets tough. The feeling that you have someone to catch you if you fall will make you aim and rise higher in life. However, every single one of these traits must be found in both the husband and the wife. My father always told me, “Remember, you’re not the only one entering that marriage with hopes and dreams. It doesn’t matter if the other person is everything you’ve ever wanted. You have to stop and wonder if you can be everything the other person wants as well.” I think I’m still growing up on that last sentence. I’m not quite there yet. But are my ideas of marriage immature? Am I fooling myself with a dream of an unrealistic fairytale?

In a world that is now driven by your bank balance, prenup is the shit. Getting married? Lock your money first. I’m sorry, but where’s the love? Where’s the romance? Even arranged marriages are more like blind-dating these days. Surely there must be more to that relationship than “I think it’s going to be a good run.” Why do we start a marriage believing it might end some day? Why do we care more about saving our money than saving our marriage? Is losing your bank balance more tragic than losing your spouse? Don’t even get me started on the running away with your secret lover after you get married part. But as much as I would love to support the guy I know and call the woman a bitch, I’m sure her side of the story is a lot different. Marriage is a two-way street. You get what you give. It’s important to always keep in mind that the other person too has emotions.

In marriage and in life. Treat the other person, any person with respect and love. You’ll be surprised at how many long-lasting friendships and relationships you make..

“You’re not the person I fell in love with”

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My Friend and I were recently talking about his break up and he said to me “One and half years. That’s how long any relationship that’s serious lasts.” But why? I know for a fact that there have been more break ups now than ever, thanks to the Facebook and Whatsapp world. But is that all the reasons? When you commit to someone and you promise to be with them for as long as you live, what makes you take a step back? What changes love to hate? I gave him the one reason I believe is true.

Relationships are everywhere. It’s shoved in your face everyday, reminding you of what a lonely life you live. And us single people who talk about how incredible our lives are, now that we’re single – we’re lying. It sucks. We just won’t admit it. To ourselves or to anyone else. But then there are moments when I’m glad I’m not in a relationship. Moments when I sit on the phone with my best friends and hear them cry about the person they love. Whine about how much that once oh-so-perfect person is now someone so completely different. You can now see the “true colors” of who he/she really is.

But what if that’s not the case? In all the need to get into a relationship so as to stop being lonely and single, a person, girl/guy, tends to pretend. Not in a bad way. But say it’s a girl trying for a guy. She wants to dress the way he likes, talk the way he likes, act the way he likes. She wants to impress him so much that he believes this is it. She’s the one. They start dating. She keeps pretending. But at some point, she stops. She’s unhappy. She’s not herself. This ends in one of two ways –

– Huge tantrums and fights because she believes he ruined her happiness. She rebels from him.

– She stops pretending and slowly starts bringing her old, true self back.

Both of this isn’t ok because it’s going to ruin that relationship. If she rebels, he’s going to think she’s not worth it, she’s changed. She tries to turn back into herself, he’s going to think she’s not the girl he fell in love with, she’s changed. It’s the same when it’s the guy changing for the girl. In some relationships, this is the 4th month fight. This is the first big fight the couple has. “You’re not the person I fell in love with.” Most couples walk away at this point. They believe they deserve better. But then there are the few that say “I don’t care, I love you too much.” But how much can a person adjust to change? How much is too much? A year? A year and half?

There are the rarest of rare cases when the couple lasts a long time. But the couples that truly make it are the couples that never lied. Never pretended to be someone they’re not. Like the saying goes, I’d rather you hate me for who I am, than love me for someone I’m not..

..because that love, it won’t last !

(Pic Courtesy : Google)